Crysta

          Despite what people think God actually created the dog first! It was a collie. Then he created a garden for the dog to run around in and do its business. He named it Dog because it was a play on God. Why make things difficult if they can be made easy. While God was creating he found naming things the hardest so the simpler the better. He realised that the whole world couldn’t just be a garden with dog in it, and a tree for dog to cock his leg up against. So before he went off to finish his planet and try and name things, he created Man. His job was to look after dog by throwing apples for him. He had added them to the tree because dog liked to chase and chew them. Man was told he wasn’t allowed to eat the apples as they were for dog and left.

When he returned, Man had an abnormally muscled right arm from throwing apples, God assumed. Man declared he was bored and even though Dog was good company he couldn’t speak and he and wanted someone to talk too. Also he told God he wanted to be called Adam. So God made a woman that Adam named Eve. God thought long and hard about adding the breasts. He decided that as they were only wearing leaves then the top half should look different. He then thought that he would take away the dangly thing for Eve because it looked messy and ugly. God had to admit Eve was an improvement and maybe he had rushed Adam a bit.

Adam and Eve were told to look after dog and the garden and not to eat the apples but could eat whatever else they grew or made. It was really hit and miss back then, as Adam and Eve didn’t know the difference between edible plants and grass. Despite the warning not to eat the apples one day they did. The apples looked much nicer than anything they’d ever been able to make. When God returned and asked them why they did it they told him a snake told them to do it. As God hadn’t yet created a snake he didn’t believe them. He kicked them out of the garden, but not before he made them clean it up. This was by the way, way before shovels or poo bags were invented. God later found out that the Devil had placed the snake there. All things had to have an opposite so Satan came about the same time as God. The details of when and how they came about are a bit blurry but from day one they were in constant competition with each other.

So God had created a dog, the Devil the fox. It was more cunning and didn’t rely on people to look after it. God created the hamster so the Devil contributed the rat for the same reason as the fox. When God made the Guinea pig the Devil didn’t even bother creating anything to trump it as it was basically an overgrown hamster anyway, and the rat beat them both. God, believe it or not, invented the slug for the birds to eat. The Devil therefore made the snail. He found it amusing that any animal that ate them would have to work harder to eat it because he added the shell. The snack however was much smaller. He had a twisted mind really.

The cat was one of the Devils as well. That’s why the baddie in a film is normally stroking a cat. Why it’s generally a white cat I have no idea.  People helped also. God had started with a Collie but now there were many breeds of dog that were bred to help people do various things. God wasn’t too impressed when the Chinese bred the Chihuahua just to eat, but he rationalised that when you create a race that is supposed to live on rice, then you can’t blame them when the start eating anything.

Between them, God and the Devil had laid the foundations and the planet had spread and developed without any major contribution needed from either of them for hundreds of years. They were getting bored and the rivalry between them was getting stale.

God had been watching Crysta for a long time. Crysta was meant to be met by one of his cherubs first before one of the Devils agents. The Cherub was late because he had been kept behind for extra choir practice as he sang a line wrong from ‘Oh come all ye faithful’. God was less than amused but because of who he was, he had to forgive him. In his head he wanted to pluck his wings off but luckily no one knew what he thought a lot of the time.

Crysta had only tried once to convert someone. She asked a guy who was high on drugs, if he wanted to sign his soul over to the Devil. The experience of a girl, who in the eyes of the crack head had horns and red eyes, asking him to join the Devil, was enough to put him on the straight and narrow. So now he now worshipped God. Crysta’s fringe line did occasionally curl up into what looked like horns (nothing a strong hair gel couldn’t cope with) but the red eyes were definitely something the crack head saw in his drug-addled mind.

So Crysta had converted one person over to him but none to the Devil. Crysta was definitely working for the wrong side