The Death Row Show

The sun filtered through the shades of my bedroom as if God Himself was giving me a sign. Fate. Just like Jerry Deniles’ fate of jumping over those SUV’s. It was my fate or destiny to come up with the new reality show that was going to be the talk of the Network. Or just saving my ass from getting fired.

It was 8am and I felt a little bit groggy from the MJ the night before. But I always get the best ideas when I am sleeping under the influence of the Kind.

I poured myself the strongest Gourmet Café Mocha that I could get my hands on. The first sip of this over- caffeinated concoction got my creative juices flowing. I couldn’t stop my hands from shaking as I prepared to drink the next gulp of Coffee Heaven.

Then it came to me. Like a religious figure in the Bible who was getting his instructions from the Almighty Himself. The idea just flowed and all I had to do was write it down, and let God do the talking.

What I have learned over the years in the show business game is to give people what they wanted. What were the most popular shows on my Network? Sex and Violence were the answers. There was Celebrity Whores, Riot Busters, and Survivor: Afghanistan, Treehuggers and my personal favorite, Intern Scandals. All these shows were created by me and with a little help from Otis. These shows were like my children and I would fight to the bitter end to fight for their survival or until they got canceled.

Crap is what America wanted. And I was the king of Crap. I was just going to do what every patriotic, red-blooded, flag waving American would do. Give America a heaping plate of Crap a la Carte. I looked at my Nielsen Ratings Book and found that the highest rated show on the Network was Monday Night Execution. So that was it. America wanted to see criminals and lowlifes suffer. But I needed a twist to it. Why don’t we get the most hardened criminals on Death Row and film their everyday life. Thus the Death Row title came racing through my head like a religious epiphany.

I then got my laptop 2000-megabit processor and wrote the pilot for the show. I turned on my surround sound system with my universal remote and played the radio on some lousy top 40 station. But as soon as the first song came on, I realized that this was not the proper mood music for this work of art. Sometimes an artist needs the right muses to inspire his life’s work. Some artists turn out all the lights and light scented candles and incense. Some need a bright sunset. I have to say I am not one of these New- Age hippie types. I worked the best with loud, angry music. So I headed to my vast collection and found the perfect C.D.  It was an old Blast from the Past- The Great 1980’s. 

The music shrieked out. Blaring out the window with the sound of what it would be like if buzzards were attacking human flesh. The white noise was funneling through the halls as I pogoed up and down like a wild teenager. The neighbors hated when I did this. They would yell out their windows saying “Turn down that crap Reicher” or my personal favorite “ I’m going to call the cops Reicher”. I always loved that kind of reaction. It was like when the Network shot down one of my brilliant pitches. I wanted America to be pissed off at what I was about to unleash on their senses. If I didn’t get a negative reaction from the public, I didn’t feel I was doing my patriotic duty. I was going to give them my special gift- violence and depravity.

 As the music blared, my hands couldn’t type fast enough with all the demented ideas that was filtering in my head. I was in my element.

It was now 9:15 am and now I had to concentrate on my speech to the Board of the Network. Otis was going to be here soon and I had to write a convincing pitch for the Death Row Show. An idea for a show is one thing but if you don’t have the right pitch to the Network, the show won’t see the light of day or the first check for production costs. I will give you a prime example. I had an idea for a show last year, summertime. When all the other big networks were showing their crappy, sitcom reruns, I was pitching Sport Criminals to the Network. It was going to go head to head with NBC’s Gay Friends and Lovers. NBC was killing us in the ratings on prime time Thursday nights. The problem with Sports Criminals are all the lawsuits the Network thought they would have to forego from angry sport stars and their lawyers. The Network thought that we couldn’t air this show because some of these sport stars trials were still pending. So there it is again. The money- grubbing lawyers ruining it all for our pathetic little entertainment. “Your out of order. You’re all out of order. This whole trial is out of order.” If Al Pacino was there in that room I think he would have gone Godfather on the Network and shot the whole place up.