Not too Late to Weep

"Two ice storms have left the tree tops bent, broken, and ragged looking like they were begging for mercy from the elements as a begger would beg for mercy from a stranger. For the trees mercy will come with the warmth of spring, and the leaves will cover the damage of ice, and for the begger mercy will come in the form of money for a warm meal or a place to sleep and will cover his plight for at least a night. So we see that mercy comes in many forms and shapes and enriches the giver as well as the receiver. For the giver of mercy the enrichment lasts for a life time, for the receiver, something quite less. 'Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy.' This is what the Book of Life tells us, and I, above most people have received mercy in abundance."  

"I thought nothing will ever be able to stop my dad. He could back a grain truck to a corn crib and start scooping corn and not look up until the truck was full. And when he did look up he would see me with the widening wet stain in the front of my pants. He would look away, but I could still see the disappointment, and the thrill and excitement of being with my dad at work would change to shame and sorrow. Again I had taken a beautiful time of sharing with my dad and turned it into ugliness. I would cry inside 'daddy I'm sorry, I couldn't help it, I didn't even know I was going until I felt the warm wetness on my legs.'"

"They had a big garden and a tobacco patch on their 4 acres, which sloped down to the bottoms. I spent a lot of time there when it was time to plow and work the fields. I would follow along behind them in the furrow as they plowed with those famous Missouri Mules.  And when they would plow near a fence row I would lie down in the furrow and smell the freshness of the cut sassafras roots and the damp earth and day dream of the day I would be a farmer."

"Uncle Carl had gotten fortified at the tavern and had finished off the home made wine, and decided he and his little buddy would sleep away from the fire. We walked into the desert quite a ways, put down our blankets, and went to sleep. I woke up in the darkness to the sounds of hollering 'the bears are after me.' Uncle was up on his knees and waving his blanket yelling 'the bears are after me, the bears are after me.'  He then lay down and went back to sleep. By now the gray streaks of dawn were forming in the east and I sat keeping guard until the gray gave way to pink and finally to red. I never saw any of those bears, but there might have been some in the shadows. A child can never know about those things."

"I began to develop kidney infections that would take me out of school for weeks as I recovered. These infections would begin with acute pain in my sides like they were swelling up and would burst. I would be bed ridden and the pain would be just about all I could bear. I kept two tennis balls by the side of my bed and squeeze then as the pain would flare up. The doctor would come and give me antibiotics which would take a couple of days to work, so I would lay and squeeze the tennis balls as the pain would rise and ebb. When the pain was at it's greatest I would day dream of my farm and how it would be. I had plenty of time to day dream because the pain would not allow me to sleep. I never questioned 'why me' because I thought this was just a part of life. And I must deal with the task at hand, and there will be no time for tears."

"Gene, Donald, and I were together again, and we wasted no time to start our adventures. We went to one of the several creeks that empted into the Missouri River, and to insure we were as wild and free as we could be, we took off all our clothes and hid them under the bridge. Down the creek we ran splashing and hopping and yelling. We were free! No clothes could hold us! We had no restraints, and it was as though there was no one else in the world. We played in the quick sand, seeing who would be the 'chicken' and get out first. We roamed the woods and fields as naked as jay birds, running and jumping, and laughing. Oh my, how free we were! We were free to be wild with nothing of former things to settle us down. It was as though there was no past, no future, but only the presents to enjoy, explore, to be alive for the moment, and nothing else mattered. My past just seemed to fade away, and there was no anger, and I was at peace. I had found my place in the world, I wanted to stay here forever."

"Two beds away was a man that played his radio all day long, and that broke the boredom. I liked all kinds of music and could learn the lyrics pretty fast, and I could hear the chord changes, so I could learn to play them on my guitar. The doctor came in, walked directly toward me, and sat on the bed beside me. He took a couple of deep breaths and said 'Dwain, I am afraid I have some bad news for you. You have lost all the use of your left kidney, it may still remove fluid, but it is no longer efficient in the removal of your electrolytes. You have lost eighty percent use of your right kidney, and are in end-stage renal failure. At the rate of failure we have seen over the past five years you may live another three years.' Somewhere in the background I could hear someone singing about loading sixteen tons of number nine coal. I was stunned and seemed to have a buzzing in my head. I heard what the doctor said, but what about that sixteen tons of number nine coal. That’s right an 'E minor and a change to an 'A' minor, I could learn that song easily. What now, I'm under the sentence of death, how much more can I carry? Besides that it can't be true. All I've been through the last five years is so I could live. Three years, I'll be eighteen. What about my dream? I can't get a farm in three years! I feel so all alone, God where are you! Do you see me? My lips were quivering, and I fought against the tears, I won't cry, I won't cry! Life is all about pain and disappointment, I know all about that!"