The Oldest Secret of Love

You had been in a coma for the whole of last week. I took a closer look at your face; your moustache and beard had grown and were mostly white. I found a shaver in the drawer. I wet your face and chin briefly, and then I started to shave your moustache and beard. Your face was greenish, pale, and cold, even though the room was not air-conditioned. Somehow this coldness coming from your face travelled through my arms, evoking a frightening feeling in my heart! My heart sent a signal to my eyes, and my tears were rolling down silently. After shaving you, I took a towel to dry your face. As I turned your neck around, I noticed that some of the tissue behind your neck was dying. This discovery was worrisome. No one had told me about this condition of yours! Did other people know about this? Or was that why a bottle of talcum powder was in the drawer, together with the shaver? For the first time, I felt you were walking closer to the edge of leaving Mom, leaving me, and leaving this world. This was something that my rolling tears and my frightened heart could not mend. “Dad, am I on the edge of losing you?” I asked myself sadly, knowing that you were not likely to respond to me. ...... What an emotional phone call, packed with realisation and recognition of your hidden love for me! Mom had revealed the truth about how much you cared about me and loved me all these years, and I was saddened by the fact that I took it the opposite way! I sat down beside you, thinking over and over about what Mom had just told me, staring at you, who had tired yourself out with battles in life, worries about your children, and your unconditional fatherly love. I finally understood how much you loved me, what you have done for me, and even what you always wanted to do for me! Your love was deeper than the ocean for your youngest son and your lucky third, as Mom had said. ....... After that, the priest asked for the son that you loved most to comb your hair and shave your moustache and beard. That came as a surprise to the three of us. We three sons were not sure who you loved the most, so no one came forward. The priest waited for a short while, and then he looked at Mom for an answer. Mom pointed at me and looked at me with tears in her eyes, nodding her head at the same time. I broke into tears when Mom did that. I thought I would not be the one, as my brothers were helping you with your business and carrying on the family businesses. I was the eagle flying away from home and doing things that put you into silence most of the time. Strong sadness, regret, and guilt surged into my heart, all at the same time! I could hardly bear this explosive emotion! I was frozen, and Mom thought I was hesitating.“Ah Kuang! Your dad is waiting for you. Believe me, he loved you the most!” Mom, who had not spoken any words the whole morning, broke her silence and brought me back from my emotional struggle! I took a brief look at my brothers and took the comb and shaver from the priest. He whispered to me that I must not cry and to make sure that no tears fell onto your body. They would burn your soul, as I was the one you loved most! I lost my ability to analyse anything the priest was saying but just followed, as long as they meant good for you, for your soul, and for your next life! As I was combing your hair, I noticed that your body had become so hard and cold. I believed they took you from the cold room in the hospital that morning. I remembered how you normally would comb your hair, so I did the same for you. At that moment, I remembered that you had combed my hair when I was a child, using your favourite hair gel called Tantin – a dark green, transparent gel with a very strong English fragrance. I remembered the smell! This recollection of your love again proved me wrong in thinking that you had not paid attention to me when I was a child! Then I shaved your moustache and beard. You were colder than the last time I shaved your moustache and beard in the hospital. I could feel the difference in your temperature between when you were in a coma and now. This coldness was not the fear of you not waking up anymore. This coldness was a silent good-bye from your body to my fingertips! I heard you, Dad! I knew you wanted to do that in person but just was not given a chance in your fate, like Mom said. (445 pages in total)