Where Did Howdy Go?

Howdy and I fell in love, and the depth of that love never changed in all our years together.  If ever two people were meant for each other, we were that couple.

There was never any doubt, suspicion, or mistrust.  I believe, with all my heart, we were destined to be together, and that God blessed us with a boundless love few couples ever experience.

In Howdy’s eyes, I could do no wrong.  I remember my mother saying that I could tell Howdy in broad daylight that it was the dark of night, and he would’ve believed me.  According to her, it wasn’t supposed to be like that.  But I loved it!

There was an eleven-and-a-half year difference in our ages, and my mother had grave doubts that we could overcome such an obstacle.  Several times she asked me what I wanted with a man that much older than myself.  I could only tell her that it seemed like there wasn’t an age difference at all - we thought completely alike about everything.

Of course, no one ever suspected that the difference in our ages would make it possible for me to take care of Howdy in the last years of his life.

Looking back on it now, I understand that caring for Howdy was the principal reason for my being on this earth.  In the pages that follow, I’ll relate some of the wonderful memories I have of the idyllic romance that Howdy and I shared, and how the terrible disease known as Alzheimer’s ended our beautiful dream.

I tried to remember to write down the events of each day of our lives as we went along.  But every once in a while, I was either just too tired, or depressed, to take the time to keep up with my notes.  Now, I’m really sorry, because I can’t remember some of the things that went on during Howdy’s illness.  But I’ve tried to reminisce, and that helps to bring back a lot of memories.  Most of those memories were good, and some of them were bad, but I’ve recalled all that I can remember.

When I reflect on it now, I can see that the occasional lapses of memory Howdy began experiencing in 1979 were the start of a devastating sequence of events.  We had no way of knowing then that it would be the beginning of a terrible nightmare.

Before Howdy’s 69th birthday, on March 3, 1979, he seemed to be more and more forgetful.  I found myself saying to him all too often, “Boy, you can sure tell you’re going to be 69 on your birthday.  It’s a good thing your head’s attached, or you’d forget that, too.”  He’d look at me with those big, sad-looking, brown eyes, and then we’d both laugh.

A few weeks after Howdy’s birthday that year, we went to see my sister, Mary Jane, and her family in Aliquippa, Pennsylvania.  During our visit, Mary Jane pointed out how my teasing seemed to hurt Howdy’s feelings.

“You ought to stop making those comments about Howdy’s forgetfulness,” she said.  “I think it’s really bothering him.  Even though you’re laughing when you say it, he gets a hurt look on his face.”

Occasionally, we need someone to tell us when we’re doing something wrong.  That was certainly one of those times.  Thereafter, I became more aware of Howdy’s feelings, and I tried hard not to offend him anymore.  But as time went on, I caught myself saying things that upset him, and I found myself saying, “I’m sorry,” more and more often.  Eventually, the apologies came so frequently that the tears inevitably came, too.  It was like someone opening up the floodgates.  Sometimes I’d cry on and off for days and days.  The pain, borne out of a sense of guilt and frustration, became overwhelming.  Many times, I thought my heart would literally break.

I cried more, over a ten-year period, than most people cry in a lifetime.  I sometimes wondered where all the tears came from, and why my eyes didn’t shrivel up.  I also wondered what kept me from just totally breaking down.  I cried just as much at the end, as I did in the beginning.  It was a good thing Howdy never lost the ability to express his feelings through facial expressions, and with his eyes.  By understanding his bewilderment, yet seeing that loving tenderness in those eyes, I managed to keep going through the darkest days.

From the onset of Howdy’s forgetfulness in 1979, until May of 1983,