Heebie-jeebies
and other annoying stuff
by
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Mushrooms… One word - fungus. Were we intended to eat Fungus? I know mould is good for you, for example, penicillin and other such live-saving stuff, but mushrooms are often fed with ‘poop’ too!! Yuk! The scariest ones are those that are the size of dinner plates held up by what seems to be a brown skeleton, eeeek, the stuff nightmares are made of! Are they the Portobello ones? I didn’t even try the magic ones at University, not even in tea; mushroom tea – are you mad?? Did I miss anything? I can’t even bring myself to touch them, I just hate the sight of them, the feel of them, the smell of them, the taste of them (when I ate one without noticing once!!) but more than anything it’s the texture of them when biting into it. It’s all sort of squeaky and slimy and just completely horrid. Whenever we stay at a hotel, my Hubby makes the most of the good old Scottish breakfasts and piles mushers on his plate as if a world shortage of them has just been announced (I live in hope!). He didn’t want one of his tomatoes one time, so he hoofed it onto my plate but it had been sat next to his mushrooms and had soaked up some mushroom juice (eeeek - contamination!!) and it just tasted horrid. Needless to say I didn’t finish it! Mushrooms have been banned in our house! Thinking about it, I can trace this heebie-jeebie back to Co-op tinned mushroom soup that we used to have for our tea when I was a kid. Mind that’s nothing against the Co-op as my Hubby says that all tinned mushroom soups are apparently awful (I’ll take his word for it)! He also says that I should try them again as tastes change as we get older…..hmmm, not sure whether I was more disgusted at the idea of eating fungus or the fact that he mentioned ‘getting older’… On the other hand it worked for brussels sprouts which I now love! White Doggy-doo… “Why is it white? Is it day’s old poop? It’s too odd! Was it originally normal coloured doggy-doo? Not sure if it’s just me or if there is less white doggy-doo around now than in the seventies…?” My two dogs have never ever had a white poop! My big dog had a yellowy-green poop once after my Hubby gave her some leftover homemade Thai green curry (his signature dish). It bloody well wasn’t him that had to scoop it up off the pavement in full view of the oncoming rush hour traffic was it? He got an ear bashing when I got home I can tell you! A tad too much chilli I think!!
Formats Book Details I’ve got enough ex-Husbands (1) and ex-Fiancés (3) to warrant sarky comments from my Dad about my collection of engagement rings, but instead I’ve got a habit of collecting useless information. I’m an avid people-watcher (but not in a creepy-spooky-call-the-men-in-white-coats-to-take-me-away-sort-of-way). I mean, I just didn’t like the way my ex danced like a very dodgy version of Jimmy Somerville to whatever song was playing at the time (and I happen to like Jimmy Somerville, child of the eighties that I am!). It was just mega embarrassing to be on the dance floor with him (my ex, not Jimmy) when he was wiggling about - especially as he thought he was the dog’s whatsits, ugh! Anyway, it wasn’t until I got the fear of the Monkey Puzzle Tree at Tulloch Castle Hotel that I thought about what sort of things gave others the heebie-jeebies. My Mum for one thought I was bonkers to be feared of a tree she quite liked and so began this collection of rantings and ravings from friends and family (a BT ad?). It was expanded along the way to include those things that also really wound people up and it ranges from normal everyday stuff to some downright batty entries! I mean; imagine having the fear of cotton wool or being annoyed by people putting their loo roll on the holder the wrong way round! I've used poetic licence for ideas given to me and I may or may not have embellished them ever so slightly. My personal entries and comments are in italics, which, now I come to think of it was maybe not my best idea! What if I get mushrooms though the post or a wind turbine suddenly appears in our back garden?? Eeeeeeeek!!
Karen McConnachie is a 39-year old Senior Technical Safety Engineer (although she’s not too keen on the word ‘Senior’) working in the Sultanate of Oman. She lives with her endlessly patient Husband Ewan, an aquarium full of fish, two adopted stray dogs (both of whom are as daft as brushes) and a multitude of Tiggers. She spends her spare time doing the odd evening course in anything far removed from Chemistry and is currently studying for diplomas in botany, food & nutrition and aromatherapy. She also enjoys zooming (pootling) about on her quad bike, catching up with EastEnders on satellite television (although about a week behind the This is her first book and as it gives her the ultimate excuse to be nosey and email all her friends from work it may not be her last!
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