The Masquerade

Chapter 1

Pushing Beyond the Pain

Before you begin reading this book, I want you to know that no matter your current circumstances or trauma or hurt from the past you are presently experiencing, you are in the right place at the right time, in the right season of your life, sitting with the right book in your hand. I want you to hear my heart. The purpose of this workbook is to show you how I made peace with my past and to help you come to peace with your past. It is designed to aid you in maturing mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. In life, we are constantly moving from one event to another. Our lives are constantly changing for the good or bad, either by shattered expectations, or by what we allow entrance in our lives. However, when we refuse to face our pain, it causes us to continuously erect repercussions until we resolve the hurt of the past. When God created humanity, he created us with feelings and emotions. If we are not careful and we continue to allow the negative thoughts to enter our spirit, they will exploit our feelings.

I had allowed the enemy to manipulate my past long enough. The hurt of the past is the avenue the devil has used to play with my way of thinking. All these destructive feelings take place in our mental, physical, and emotional well-being. Life is a seed that we either plant or uproot. Many times the seed we cling to holds us in captivity. We allow it to grow, and it uproots the intended purpose God has set for our lives, but it is only for a season if we choose for it to be so.

My life was altered early. I was a victim of rape, molestation, and physical, verbal, and emotional abuse. Ever since those horrific acts took place, my life has taken a detour from the original plan God had set for me. I believe we all have been hurt in many different ways. Sometimes these hurts occur when we are misled on how to deal with life’s upsets.

Although the pain, the un-forgiveness, the hatred, the self-defeating thoughts, negative behaviors and emotions, and ungodly mindsets had ruled over my life, I was constantly in warfare trying to break free. My thoughts were a remnant of bitterness and hate. I was told I was nothing, that I would never amount to anything worthwhile. Those words became one of the molding factors that controlled my life and identified who I had become. My self-concept was negative. I felt unattractive. I felt worthless and that my life was beyond restoration. When one is a victim of rape and molestation, the depleting events that took place in my youth, how could it have the capacity to control and affect my adulthood? I became a victim. I spoke like a victim, and I acted and pursued the role of victim. The role of victim became my tormentor.

I felt as if I was an abomination defiled and polluted, of no use to God, myself, or anybody else. The residue of the past had contaminated my life, and there appeared to be no hope of cleansing. These negative immoral thoughts about my life were raging out of control.

It was taking place again. I was in a severe state of depression and experiencing manic episodes. I was crying for no reason at all. All I wanted to do was sleep all day with the curtains drawn. I wanted total darkness. I would present myself in public one way—I was well-dressed, well-spoken, in control—yet when the doors would close behind me as I entered my safety net when no one was around, I felt unintelligent, alone, ugly, and conquered. I felt like a fraud. I felt that I had no reason to exist; I wanted to curl up in a corner and cease to exist.

Throughout life’s experiences, I cried, but today when I cried, these tears felt different. They were tears that produced healing and truth. The tears I cried today were the tears that produced my salvation. This time, for the first time, I decided that enough is enough. It was time for me to break free from the veil of fear, guilt, shame, and frustration, and overcome the irritation as well as the role of victim. I felt as if the hurts of the past would always hold me captive, and my life was at the point of no return to normalcy. My life began in the womb of my mother, how I pictured life and perceived life. The experience in the womb either brings peace and harmony or conflict and chaos.

In all my attempts to understand the root of my problems and behaviors, I had to face the fact that all behaviors have causes, and the causes came in multiples for me. When I began to uncover the causes of the emotional distress, I found that the generational curses of my ancestors had somehow flooded my life. In order for me to begin to understand why I behave and act as I do, I had to learn who I was and whose I was. I was God’s creation, created as a unique individual