Invisible Tears

They made me do it! My mother and my aunt told me that if I didn’t hold him, I would regret it. I fought them. "No I will not do it, I can’t do it!" I just sat and cried. My mother told me he was beautiful. I looked up and they had wrapped him in a hospital blanket. She was gently rocking his little body and kissing him, as if he was with us. My aunt took the baby from my mother and came to my side. My body went numb. She handed him to me. As I held him, I just knew that his eyes would open, maybe God would miraculously bring him back to life. Just like he did with Lazarus in the bible! God can do anything! Right?

I just stared. I remember his skin being cold. His fingers were long. I knew he would play the keyboard like his father. His toes were perfect. He would have been tall. They said he was 19 ½ inches! My boy. He looked so peaceful. My heart began to be overcome with guilt. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him. How sorry I was for wearing heels, while I was pregnant – or- not drinking enough water. I wanted to introduce him to all of his family members that filled that small hospital room. I thought about our future together. I looked forward to giving him his first bath, giving him his first birthday party and listening to his first words. All I could do is kiss his forehead. But in my head I was pleading- "LORD PLEASE BRING MY SON BACK TO ME!"