Thoughts

That's when it first made it real for me, it was just like Jason if he would of been there. He still had the personality, the feelings and emotions that Jason would of had. At first I knew he wouldn't of wanted to talk to me if he was "alive" Why wouldn't that be the case, wouldn't he have to start at where he was, just like I had to start out with at that moment in time. He still had feelings and emotions of being angry, frustrated and confused. He talked about some angry feelings toward my Dad, some feelings of how Mom had been trying to get into his space, or always commenting they didn't have money for this or that. He wasn't trying to blame anyone for his actions but thoughts in his mind were scattered and he had to place himself back into those last moments of time and try to put the pieces together and felt a need try to defend what had happened. It was described like trying to put together shattered glass. Things were fragmented in his mind still.
He still had some of his humor, commenting or asking me why I was hiding. The medium described my position in the basement in which I was more or less in a hiding position because I didn't want to be disturbed during the reading or found out I was trying to talk to the dead. It was put in a humorous way with my brothers' personality. I knew then my brother was okay but he was dealing with the emotions and had to deal with the thoughts of his physical death. He said it was just like school. He didn't like to go to school, he would rather be out playing, but had to be in a place like school or where he had to look at his life. He had work to do. He said your mad at me, but I felt like that all of my life. He wasn't really angry all of his life but those were the emotions that were running at the time from him. He had a hard time wanting to connect to me because as he phrased it ,I don't want you to think of me as a loser. Those words hit me in the heart because that would of been what Jason would of said and I could feel that. It wasn't something I was thinking but I knew it would of been something Jason would of been thinking. Jason brought up how he had looked up to me as kind of a father figure. I was quite a bit older of him and he had looked up to me as an older brother or fatherly figure. That is something that I knew on some level but didn't really think about much or Jason and I didn't talk about until these moments. It was like being able to talk about issues that mattered even through he wasn't here anymore, at least in the physical. These are some of the moments that I would of liked of been able to talk to Jason. To connect more to him and know what Jason had been feeling and thinking. I had felt that connection but never was able to really discuss things with him. Those quick brief moments of talking on the phone with a stranger that never truly knew the impact of the words spoken. I asked the reader how I could let him know I hadn't or didn't think of him as a loser and she said you just did, he can hear and feel you. I could just feel his presence in the room within that moment and the impact of being able to say those words and a knowing that he had heard me is a feeling that stays with me. I wish in life I was able to have more of these talks with him. He mentioned he had always felt a good connection with me, where you just look at each and know what the other was thinking without having to talk, just that glance of the eyes or catching the humor in something alike that maybe others didn't get.
But I didn't get to be around him like same age siblings, I was sixteen years older than him and already out of the house