Sausage Sandwiches, Massage, Sex & The Credit Crunch
Observations from Some People I Know
by
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Some extracts: ________________ “But don’t be tempted to be bullied by vested interests demanding a return to how things were, with the promise of some tighter self-discipline. We had this mass murderer once – name was Joaquin Cortes Manuel Esposito I Love Frank Lampard Jones, from Billericay. He had committed about twenty-six murders before we got hold of him. These were terrible crimes where he clearly had no respect at all for his victims. Well, one of our wonderful judges suggested an alternative to the crowded prisons could be the help of a focus group. This murder scum got together with a focus group of other mass murderers – a real heavyweight forum of the great and the good in the mass murdering world plus hangers on. Apparently over tea, tuna sandwiches, and delicate goat’s cheese ciabattas, he chaired the meeting and managed to get them all to agree on something: they promised they would consider self-regulation and be more disciplined, so the judge let him go. For a short while, he managed to stay out of trouble, but the pressure built up. As soon as he needed a bit of cash, and especially when he heard of another reformed mass murderer going back to business, he couldn’t bear it any longer. The need for money and the thrill of the competition got to him. After another twenty-six murders, we caught him again, and this time we locked him up with that judge.”
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Jacques d’Oliviera lived with his partner, Tampa Lowkey.
They are a devoted couple and recently cemented their lifelong partnership at a civil ceremony. I was invited, much to my surprise, and went along as I do enjoy weddings. I also calculated that even a very polite decline would probably end up costing me in rubbish.
Away from the tensions of the bin run, Jacques can actually be quite pleasant company. He has a habit of taking himself too seriously and assuming every utterance of his should immediately be written down in tablets of stone. Unfortunately, this trait is encouraged by
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I had just been watching the latest version of the Apprentice and was marvelling at the general level of decision-making in the board room. For a bit of light relief, I flicked through the latest newsletter from the Centre, entreating us all to keep a watchful eye out for financial misdeeds and to ring a special number if we even suspected anything was a bit iffy.
The wording caught my eye.
“Brothers and Sisters of the Light, we beseech thee to hearken in truth, and gainsay any naydoers. If thee has special need of us, we will appear and crush the evil ones into atoms.
Call 0800 7356699 and ask for Emma.
Financial badness and sexual misdeeds will NOT BE COUNTENANCED unless linked to sporting prowess.”
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About the Book
All you ever wished to know about the Credit Crunch but didn't quite get around to asking
About the Author
Norman Desmond Ploome is a remarkable man. He is totally unaware of his effect on women and has an extraordinary ability to listen to comments and observations from his many friends and acquaintances. This book is a marvel closely rivalling the discovery of sliced bread.