Torn Dreams

That had not been a good day, she thought. That same morning her Aunt Ann had lost her battle with cancer. Her grandparent's were devastated. Ayla had to take them in to the city in a couple of days for the funeral. Something happening to the baby would have made her life even worse. Her doctor told her to give him a call in four days, if she did not hear from him before then. When she was in the city with her grandparents for her aunt's funeral, she decided to call the doctor. He told her that he was sorry, but she had lost the baby. She went back to her motel room and cried. To her it just seemed like everything was collapsing all around her and this was just icing-on-the-cake. Not only the funeral and losing the baby, Ayla was fired from her job just a few months before. This was the first time she had ever been fired in her life. She really wanted to talk to her husband Rained about her feelings, but he could not understand what she had been through. She wanted him to comfort her, offer some soothing words, anything to make her feel like he understood and was feeling pain for the loss of their baby. That was not to be.

Raine's words of comfort were to get over it and go on with her life. Ayla didn't know if it was because he was a man and could not understand how losing a child, something that was growing inside her, could change her perspective of their loss. She knew he would never understand how much of an emotional person she was and she could not burden other people with her pain, so she just held it all inside. She was always the one to help others with their pain but she had no one to help her when she needed it most. They just could not understand how much she needed understanding from someone. Her life, it seemed, had been one designed of unhappiness and loneliness. She felt she was spending her time in a fantasy world, not in reality. She had reached the point where she didn't care much about anything anymore. She felt like a broken person on the inside and nothing could fix her or her life.

After six months had passed, she tried to get pregnant again, but to no avail, it never happened. Finally Ayla went to her family doctor to talk about her depression. Her doctor put her on depression and anxiety pills. There were things going on with her husband's ex-wife, which did not help the situation and not having a normal period, really made her an emotional roller coaster. Everything felt like it was falling apart. She looked over at Raine and wondered if her life would have been different if she had not gotten involved with him? Would she be with Bruce, the man she was with before she met Raine, or alone? She had deep feelings for Raine, but sometimes she wondered if she would have been happy without him? There would be no stepchildren or ex-wife drama, none of the crap she was going through now.

When Ayla fought with Raine, Bruce always crossed her mind. She loved the both of them, which was a dilemma, even though Raine was very attractive and a good lover. He had a good head on his shoulder but he was not able to show her the comfort she needed. It seemed like such a challenge for him. Ayla just wanted to be held, to be told that things would be okay. That was something she could not get from him. In his mind, he thought that she should not have problems or feel depressed. With Bruce, it was different. He was very comforting. Thinking of him was like the song she heard, but could not remember the name of. Sometimes she would wonder what it would of been like if she could of had them both? She would have had the lover, with a good head on his shoulders, along with a man who could offer the comfort that she needed.

She used to be full of spirit and laughter. This year she felt like someone took a razor to her heart and it bled like a river. She was the hungry for someone to love her, but she could not dwell on that right now. She had to get those thoughts out of her head. Though she was in love with Raine, Ayla did not regret her life with him. She just wished some things, and well, some people were different. She was a dreamer and she hoped and prayed that they could have a happy life together. Raine finally woke up, looked at her and kissed her on the cheek. He rolled over began to make love to her. Making love to him was always something beautiful. She could smell his sweat, his scent. It was something she could never get enough of. When they finally released, Raine embraced her in his arms.

Afterwards, they laid in each others arms. A few minutes passed and then Raine told her that he had to shower and get ready for work. He got up, didn't kiss her, and went into the bathroom. He yelled from the bathroom, asking if she wanted to join him. Ayla told him no and that she would shower later. She laid there on the bed, hoping that maybe this was it; this would be the time she would get pregnant again.