Breaking Free

      Five words she said five words that changed my whole life.  How could five words do that much damage, but then again I have had those moments that one word has changed my day.  So I suppose five could change a life right.  Well these five changed it and there was no coming back from it.  She said- I think you are pregnant, and all I could say is I think so too.  I knew I was I had known it for a while.  I was so far along I had already felt the baby moving, my pants no longer fit and I had gained 20 pounds already.  I was 16 years old, I weighed 100 pounds soaking wet, maybe, I wore a size extra small and for the last 2 months I have been wearing sweats and baggie shirts because nothing else fit.  These sweats are my “fat pants” when I am having a bloated day.  I had been “bloated” for a while now.

I knew and I said nothing.  I was scared to tell.  My mom is Mormon what is she going to say?  How will she react?  I do not want to go sit with the Bishop and confess my sins.  I am mortified at the fact that I am 16 and the father of this child broke up with me 6 months ago and was now going out with what used to be my best friend.  I am terrified because what am I going to do, unfortunately/fortunately which is a matter of opinion, I could no longer hide the fact that I am indeed pregnant.

I was 6 months along and I don’t know why I never said anything previous.  Maybe in my 16 year old mind I thought if I never said the words it would never be true.  Who knows?  All I know is my mom came in and not only did she mess up my cloud sleep; I am sure she had thought about this enough to know I was about to shatter her portrayal of the perfect family she had worked so hard to maintain after my father left.  When she came in and said those five words it was so distant, so unfeeling, and so angry I knew right then that is why I never said anything. 

I was petrified of my mother, she breaks you down with her words and her lack of affection towards anything that is in her way.  My sister and I, well we were the main things in her way.  Maybe she does not like me because I am like my father that walked out 8 years before.  Maybe it was because her mother was the same way and she does not know any better.  Maybe she just is as cold and unfeeling as she seems. Maybe, there is no excuse and she is just a lousy mother.  Maybe, she does not know why so that means we will never know.