Forever One
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"I am really a girl," I said, "but it is a secret. My mom says I got to keep it a secret, because my dad don’t like me to be a girl, but I am like a girl, you know, down there." Karen stopped her swing and looked at me, her eyes round with interest. She was the best girl in the fourth grade, and she was here with me. I wished I looked like her, with her long hair pulled up like that. "Really? I guess that’s why you are like y’know, not like the other boys. Jeeze." Her face was puzzled. "My dad likes me to be a girl. Why your dad don’t want you to be a girl?" "Damned if I know. My real dad didn’t want me to be a girl neither. I think my dads just like boys, that’s all." Karen slowly pushed her feet against the dusty, bare floor of the old semi-trailer, pushing the swing back. She let her weight move the swing forward, dragging her feet against the rough floor. I loved it here, secreted away with my friend. Our swings suspended from the trailer frame would sail us out for a moment to glimpse the world outside, but then we would as quickly return to our hidden world. I felt like I could tell Karen all my secrets, here in our hidden place, far away from others in this abandoned trailer, in this forgotten lot. I could tell her here because we were safe here. "That’s crazy, Chris! Let me get this straight. You got to be a girl in secret ‘cause your dad don’t want you to be a girl? That ain’t right. I’ll tell my dad to go tell your dad he should be happy to have a girl in the family." "Yeah. When my dad is at work I get out my girl clothes and then I put them on, then I am Christine, when I am a boy it is just Chris." "Do your brothers tell on you?" "Naw! They know I am a girl and they think it is nice of my mom to get me dresses. Besides, Jack don’t know nothin’, ‘cause you know, he ain’t right. It’s mostly just John, and he knows I am a girl." "Well, I guess that means we can’t get married," Karen sighed resignedly. "That’s a damn shame. Jeeze, I gotta pee. I’m gonna go squat out by that bush. You gotta pee?" I felt a warm glow enveloping me. Karen knew I was a girl and the proof was in this moment. Everyone knew that girls peed together. "Yeah," I tried to be nonchalant, "I do need to pee, come to think about it." We clambered down from the back of the trailer and walked to the bush. I felt light as air. My friend believed me. Finally, I could be myself with someone, a girl my age. In all my ten years, this had never happened. I could have a girl-friend and talk about the boys we liked and I could maybe fix her hair and try on her dresses. I was liberated from this boy life I had been imprisoned in. The sky seemed awash in alive blueness and dancing, clear light. Even this abandoned lot with its haphazard rusting hulks of machinery and blowing shards of trash seemed beautiful. The pitiful weeds that poked their cracking leaves through the dust seemed to be a garden. My heart swelled with hope and happiness. I had a friend that believed me and trusted me. I was a real, true girl. Karen reached the bush first and modestly lifted the back of her skirt, lowered her panties, and squatted. I felt a moment of uncertainty, because I had to lower my worn blue jeans, and I would be fully exposed to Karen. But then, we were both girls, so it wouldn’t matter. I lowered my jeans and started to squat, when I heard Karen gasp. "God! Chris! You ain’t no girl! What is that?" Stunned, I froze and looked at Karen. Her face was aghast and she was staring hard at my privates. The world began to shrink around me and my heart pounded in my chest. Hurriedly, I stood and pulled my jeans up, hiding myself from Karen’s gaze. "What! I am too a girl! Look at me! I seen my brothers and this ain’t what they got. This is what girls got." I felt a panicked sweat forming on my forehead. Why was Karen so upset? I looked like a girl, didn’t I? "Chris, I don’t know what you got there. It ain’t what I got." Slowly Karen stood up and lifted her dress so I could see her privates. I felt my eyes bulge in my face. God, oh god ohgod ohgodohgod….. "See?" Karen leaned back and spread her legs so I could see her genitals clearly. "You ain’t a girl, but you ain’t a boy neither. Jesus, Chris! What the hell are you?" The sun beat down on my head. The blowing dust clogged my nostrils because I suddenly couldn’t breathe. I fastened my pants and turned around and stared out at the miserable, filthy lot. This was an ugly, terrible place. Hot tears burned behind my eyelids but I wouldn’t let them out. My innards felt like they were shrinking inside of me and I wanted to scream and break apart. I heard the voice of my stepfather, Bob, ringing through my head, and all at once I understood why he said those awful things to me during our nightly torments. "Freak! Little monster freak! This is all you freaks are good for," he would say as he hurt me. Freak. A little monster freak. I was a freak. Not a girl, not even a secret girl.
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About the Book
Forever One is the story of Chris Schumann, a compelling tale based on a true life story. Chris Schumann was born intersexed during the late 1940’s to a family that was in constant chaos. Chris’s troubled mother flung her family from one harsh experience to another, and Chris was left to endure physical and sexual abuse, violence, and intense loneliness. With a triumphant spirit, and fearless dreams for a better life, Chris found ways to conquer the overwhelming obstacles of a life filled with uncertainty.
About the Author
Katherine D. Bennett lives with her family in the Ozarks where she writes, teaches, and mettles endlessly in the lives of her children and in the lives of family and friends. She enjoys music, gardening, and martial arts, though she is no expert at any of her hobbies. She rejoices daily in her faith, has her very own sense of humor, and compulsively feeds anyone that comes to her house.