Simon Sez
Some Simple Rules for Couples
by
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Our next step in moving toward effective conflict resolution is to change our belief that conflict is a battle to be won. Once I believe that conflict arises in our relationship because of the differences between us, I must accept the fact that your goals, beliefs, and values are as valid to you as mine are to me. In fact, the only time I find it difficult to accept that premise is when I put you down or denigrate you in my attempt to win the battle. As soon as I accept that your needs, goals, beliefs, are as valid as my own, we can each express and help each other express what our individual interests or needs are. And then we can discuss how we can meet each other’s needs to the greatest degree possible instead of trying to influence or change the other’s position. Now we have moved from trying to change the other’s position to solving how to meet each other’s needs.
Let’s go back to Sally and Jim to apply these lessons.
Simon Sez …
SIMON SEZ: Keep your focus on the primary issue under discussion. In talking about Sally’s working outside the home Sally and Jim have taken one more step away from their starting point of Sally’s mother.
SIMON SEZ: Do not foster or allow emotions connected with another issue contaminate the discussion. Sally’s” “Now wait a minute” is an indication of rising emotions.
SIMON SEZ: Clearly articulate the issue that is to be resolved, and make sure that you both understand it. Then stay focused on that issue. Sally began the conversation with a clear statement of the issue she wanted to resolve – that of whether to bring her mother to live with her and Jim or to send her to a nursing home. But they both quickly departed from it. When Sally raised Jim’s tendency to procrastinate, she took the focus away from her mother’s placement. Then Jim responded in kind, dredging up old grievances about the furnace warranty and their daughter’s high school enrollment.
SIMON SEZ:Accept the other person’s position valid and acceptable and containing as much truth, beauty, and righteousness as your own. Accepting the other’s position as valid as your own enables both of you to rename the conflict as a problem to be solved not a battle to be won. Thus if you want to attend the concert and I want to go to the movies, I must accept concert going as acceptable a pursuit as movie going and proceed to solve the problem of contradictory desires. The goal is to solve the problem and not to win a fight.
SIMON SEZ: By eliminating this view of conflict as a battle to be won, we eliminate the need to win. Thus we do not have the go for the other’s jugular and bring in all the extraneous issues that could be everything but the kitchen sink in order to bolster our position.
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About the Book
In Simon Sez: Some Simple Rules for Couples, Dr. Simon Wittes draws on over 30 years of experience as a psychotherapist specializing in work with couples and families to illustrate and explain some of the dynamics inherent in every intimate relationship, and provide some actionable rules for how to enhance those relationships.
Written in everyday language but rooted in research, the book presents a series of scenarios between a couple (Jim and Sally) that will ring true to every reader who’s ever bickered with their mate over how to load the dishwasher, wondered when and how the romance vanished from their relationship, or marveled to find themselves growing and changing well into their later years. Through these snapshots, Dr. Wittes explains the underlying principles governing such process issues as how conflict is created and managed, how love and sexual desire are expressed and addressed, and how couples evolve developmentally over the life of a relationship.
The process issues that Dr. Wittes addresses pervade every intimate relationship (be it between a man and a woman, two men, or two women) and every relationship configuration (be it marriage, living together, or in a commuting relationship). Whether seeking guidance, practical tips, or simply a chuckle of recognition at seeing the foibles of their own relationship reflected in Jim and Sally’s, readers will find themselves eager to join this game of Simon Sez.
About the Author
Dr. Simon Wittes began his working life as a chemical engineer in a paint factory, but realized early on that his interest and passion lay in the effective pairing of individuals, not colors. He returned to university in his mid-30s, and has worked for over 40 years as a community mental health center director, college dean, mediator, and primarily as a psychotherapist for individuals, couples, and families.
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