Behind Closed Doors
The Addiction To Power And Control
by
Book Cover & Preview Text
Ten years have passed and some of the old wounds have begun to heal. Because so much has occurred since then, the children barely remember what happened - or their father. I try not to think about the past, but some force beyond my control continues to drive the flashbacks. Sometimes they appear like a blinding flash of light, as violent images of attacks against my body. They distract me when I'm working, when I'm sleeping, even when I'm driving - anytime my memory chooses to revive them. At those moments, these visions from my past are as clear as if they had just happened. I may react to the scene replayed in my head with a flinch, from a slap on the face, or by folding into the fetal position to deflect the vision of a fist connecting with my chest. Although my visions are of the past, my reactions are in the present.
My name is Geraldine Blevins, and I am a survivor of domestic violence. I have many flashbacks of the physical abuse that I endured for twelve years. Some attribute my visions to paranoia or fear. Whatever the source, I need to remember, I don't want to forget, so I will never let it happen again.
When I was a child, around the age of ten, I started having recurring dreams, and still do. They are always trying to tell me something, as if putting me on alert. I had this dream about a little girl running happily around a children's play area with her father. He chases her, then picks her up and swings her around, over his head. I hear them laughing, as they hold hands and dance around in a circle. I wake up just as she breaks loose and runs for the swings.
The times I spent with my Daddy are the most treasured memories of my childhood. Daddy hardly ever left home without me by his side. We walked out the door, his big, strong hands lifting me up into the passenger seat of his uniform delivery truck, to make our daily run. He was so handsome in his khaki shirt and pants - crisp and creased just like the uniforms we delivered to his customers. At first, I was too short to see out the window; so every five minutes I would ask Daddy, Whom did he see? What did he see? He finally bought me a booster seat to sit on. Then I could see everything!
As we passed the shops that lined Houston Street, from our neighborhood all the way to downtown San Antonio, I would wave at the shopkeepers, as they swept the area in front of their stores or changed the signs that advertised special discounts. My favorite was Mr. Chang, the grocer. Sometimes he would see us coming and wave for Daddy to pull over, so he could give me a treat.
I would always say, "Thank you Mr. Chang.” He would flash a big wide smile showing all of his teeth and respond, "You welcome, leetle lady.”
Every morning for as long as I could remember, Daddy's breakfast was on the table at 7.a.m. I listened for the sound of his footsteps coming down the stairs, so I could jump from behind the stair wall and let out a big ”Boo!” But this morning,
Formats
Book Details
About the Book
Behind Closed Doors: The Addiction To Power And Control, is the back-story of McMillian's play in book form, The Anatomy Of A Woman Abused: One Woman's Journey. The Anatomy" is loosely based on McMillian's twelve-year struggle to survive an abusive marriage. Behind Closed Doors, shares details of how early events in her life impacted subsequent life choices. In a published interview with Trumpet Magazine McMillian revealed that most of her life was spent searching for a male figure to mirror the close relationship she had with her father. He died suddenly when she was ten years old. She said, "My relationship with my father was the only example of a positive relationship that I had known, up until his passing. I had the pre-conceived notion that all men would be like him. I was very naive". - Jaisun McMillian
About the Author
Jaisun McMillian is an author, voice actor, singer, songwriter, playwright, director and producer. She is the daughter of a New York jazz singer and musician. Born in San Antonio, Texas, Jaisun moved to Los Angeles in 1966, and became a member of The Platters and later became member of Martha Reeves' Vandellas.
"I sat for years and did nothing but think of myself as a victim, someone God had forsaken, as one tragedy after another attacked my inner spirit. My husband of two months died suddenly, my eighteen year old daughter was killed in a car crash, I was almost killed in a van crash and the final blow, I had to nurse one of my surviving daughters through cancer and lost that fight. I was a wreck!
God had blessed me with an abundance of talent for my own use and the wonderful ability to inspire others, but I couldn't do anything for myself. I don't really know what kicked me in the seat of my pants, or if it was that drastic of an awakening at all. I do believe that the months it took me to physically take back control of my life after the accident and seeing what my friends, who were also seriously injured were going through, gave me pause to reflect.
I finally realized that I was no longer a victim, but a survivor. I was now free to do whatever I wanted to do with my life. I just had to get up and move! One night I got up and sat before my computer and began to write the details of my life, the good, bad and ugly. Out of that dramatic purging of my deepest and most guarded memories came three books, two films, and two plays".
– Jaisun McMillian