THE CURSE OF THE UNATTAINABLE TURKEY SANDWICHES

By Alex Hill

          One day my life as a teenager suddenly came to a halt.

          It was, after all, my twentieth birthday. That night, I decided to enter a cemetery for reasons that are as mysterious and unexplained as the inclusion of this awkward simile. No sooner had I set foot on the gravel of the gloomy cemetery than I noticed a peculiarly bright light shining in the distance. It reminded me of the light that comes from the lightbulbs that appear over my head when I have a good idea, except this light was much more existent.

          I ran over to the source of the light like a fat guy speeding toward a drive-thru window. The light was coming from a crack in the wall of an old mausoleum; so without hesitation, I took an axe from somewhere and smashed open the wall. I was shocked by what I saw . . . nothing. I had expected something. It was the biggest disappointment of my life. I was about to walk home and contemplate suicide when I realized that the light had begun to shine again, this time more brightly.

          I was excited, to say the least. And I was resplendently dazzled, to say the most. For in front of me stood the most luminous ghost I'd ever seen. It was much more terrifying than the four or five smaller ghosts that haunted my bedroom every night. Suddenly, it spoke to me.

          "You -- you're the one!"

          "Cool," I said, nonchalantly. I had lost interest in the spirit for a moment, as I had suddenly begun to crave a turkey sandwich.

          "You must complete my life's work. You will be rewarded greatly!"

          "Sounds interesting." I still wanted that sandwich.

          "I was once an Internet millionaire. I made my fortune selling on eBay pirates' treasure that I salvaged from the ocean floors. One day I died somehow, and there remain many things I've never had the chance to sell. You must sell them for me so my mind can remain at ease -- eternally!"

          With that, the spirit disappeared in a brilliant flash of light, and a humongous key crashed to the ground like my GPA after I realized going to school more than two days per week conflicted with my golfing schedule. I picked up the key, but it was as heavy as a ton of feathers, so I immediately dropped it onto my foot. My toes hurt, the way one's eyebrow hurts after accidentally super-gluing it to a wall. I couldn't carry the key around in its current state, so I ...