Tall Tales and True Confessions

THE BIGGEST LIAR IN THE COUNTY

I am often reminded of my Uncle Simp, who had a reputation for sometimes stretching things a little, as we say in the rural south.  That was especially true when it came to his hunting and fishing experiences.  However, on this occasion, he was probably telling the truth.  He was telling a crowd of people, who were gathered around the pot-bellied stove at the local country store, about all the squirrels that he had killed that day.  The squirrel season was actually closed that day but that made no difference to him.  There was a stranger, in the group, that Uncle Simp hadn’t noticed.  When the story was complete, the stranger asked if Uncle Simp knew who he was.  Of course, he didn’t.  The stranger then introduced himself as the new game warden.  Then Uncle Simp promptly extended his hand and quickly said, I’m glad to meet you.  I’m the biggest liar in the county.”

ONE QUESTION TOO MANY

The case was going exceedingly well.  They didn’t have nothing on my client!  Why they couldn’t prove that he took the car, that was wrecked, in the first place.  Just to make sure that I nailed them to the wall I had to ask the young woman, who’s car had been wrecked, “Now you don’t even know that he took your car, do you?”  I asked in a particularly gruff and intimidating voice.  “No but he told me he did.”  She responded.  It did not matter about the tone of voice that she used.  I had just asked the proverbial one question too many and I had gotten my answer.  My client was, of course, bound over, as they call it, to the Grand Jury.  I sort of soothed my troubled feelings by rationalizing.  “Why the other lawyer did a worse job than I did.  He was not real competent or he would have asked that question himself.”  That exchange occurred in one of my very first cases and hopefully I learned something from it.  It was my understanding that, after court, the young woman and my client kissed and made up and that was the end of it.

AN UNINTENTIONAL EXPOSURE

I recall another time that I was sitting in a courtroom, just as an observer, and for what reason I don’t even recall, when another intense discussion took place.  The lawyer’s client was a middle aged, matronly type lady.  She was well dressed but certainly did not display any eroticism.  However, as fate would have it, a couple buttons at the top of her blouse came unbuttoned.  There was still nothing erotic about it and the lady’s modesty was still protected.  Still counsel for the lady was embarrassed for her.  I guess that you could say that he could feel her pain; or the pain that she would have felt had she known about her predicament, which she obviously didn’t.

In an effort to address the problem, the young, shy lawyer made the proverbial request to approach the bench.  The Judge, as  judges usually do, nodded his head and the two lawyers quickly made their way to the judge’s bench.  The other lawyer did a pretty good job of concealing his glee over his young adversary’s predicament.  They had the usual discussions,  whispered and concealed from the jury and practically everyone else, until the judge’s brash voice boomed out, “Well I’m not going to tell her.  You tell her.”

IT WAS NOT AN UNCONTESTED DIVORCE

I recall another time when I was retained to obtain a divorce for my client.  The paperwork had all been filed and it was time to set the young man free.  That morning, feeling very proud of myself, I responded to the judge’s call of my client’s case.  “Your honor, that is an uncontested divorce.”  Oh no it is not boomed a young lady from behind me.  She, of course, was the wife, who I did not know and if my client had noticed her sitting there, he had not told me about her.  It was a bit humorous to everyone in the courtroom, even to my client and I.

LIGHTNING CAN STRIKE TWICE

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