HELP! I can’t see my foo foo…
Diary of a first time pregnancy! A day to day journey into a mother's life, her fears and her foo
by
Book Cover & Preview Text
Chapter 6
Cellulite knees
“Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. Coincidence? I think not!” ~Author Unknown
WEEK 26 (of my pregnancy)
27th May.
Had a massive fight with JC last night. It was awful. I know I am a bit mad and psychotic at the moment due to the stretching of my stomach but no one should piss off a pregnant woman. In “Becoming a Mother” by Kate Mosse it says “The Hittites” (Indo Europeans, who conquered Babylon, and dominated from 1600 to 1200 BC), yes, I had to look that up, “had to pay 10 shekels of silver for inflicting actual or emotional harm on a woman in the later stages of pregnancy, (but) only 5 shekels if she had not passed her sixth moon month”. Well, what about today? I don’t know how much a shekel of silver is worth these days but it must be close to 20 Pounds. Enough to buy myself a good vibrator and get rid of my husband for a few days that’s for sure!!!
28th May.
That’s it, I can’t walk anymore, everything hurts and it’s not fair. I’ve always walked everywhere, but now after only 1 hour I am in complete pain. Firstly it’s my feet, they are just so sore; the balls, the heels, the toes, the hair on my toes, the lot. I think it’s the heaviness of my fat ass!!
I’m sick of being fat today, I desperately want a day off, I want to peel all the excess fat off my body and give it to a Butcher (maybe they can make Gourmet sausages out of it.)
While I’m at it, I’d like to give this bump to my husband, so he can feel how utterly annoying it is. Yes, just for a day so I could put on my bikini, lay out in the sun, drink a long island ice tea (or 20), eat Brie and Pate’, have runny eggs on toast, smoke a big fat joint, roll around in some cat faeces, and look down and see my little Minge again!!! Ahh, sounds like bliss.
29th May.
It’s taking too long, I’ve had enough, I don’t want to play anymore. I’ve been pregnant for a good six months now. And it’s not even 9 months you’re pregnant for, it’s 10, and that is false advertising!!
2nd June.
I sat down on the couch last night and suddenly realised while looking down at my knees, that I have cellulite on them! How can I have cellulite on my knees? It’s bad enough having it on my butt, but my butt I can hide, I can’t hide cellulite knees, not in Summer. I showed JC and he just laughed, and assured me that you couldn’t really notice them. I think it’s all the cookies I’ve been eating, I’ve been really into baking cookies lately, and consequently I’ve been really into eating them as well. Cookie knees, that’s what I have. O.K, no more cookies, I should really be eating fruit and vegetables, or maybe I should bake fruit pies, or apple crumble, then I wouldn’t feel so guilty.
WEEK 27
4th June.
A Poem.
I woke up this morning and realised, that I’m actually having a baby.
This bump on my front isn’t full of cream buns, I’m a very pregnant lady.
It just seems so weird that I am changing, I cannot believe he’s inside,
A fully formed baby with a teeny tiny body, a sweet little mouth and two eyes.
I often wonder what he’ll look like? Will he look anything like me?
Will he be gorgeous, clever, funny, or short, (cause I’m only 4 ft 3).
And I wonder if the baby hears when I sing and talk, and dance?
Does he know when I think of giving birth, I want to poo my pants?
Will the labour be painful? And how will it start? I really cant help but think?
Will I be doing the shopping, watching the telly, or doing dishes in the sink?
And when he comes home, just what will we do? When does he sleep and feed ?
Do I become his maid? Running with her tits out, to fulfil his every need?
Will I tear out my hair because he cries all day? Will I get the baby blues?
Will I even be able to do a wee cause my fanny will be so bruised?
And when will I be able to make love to my man? When can he pop it in?
Will my figure ever come back…? When will I be thin?
I think and I wait, I dream and I pray “Please god make it go fast”
And while you’re there just one more thing-“Please take this fat off my ass!!”
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Book Details
About the Book
Most books are written for the planned pregnancy, but what about premature ejaculation? What kind of book is written for that?
Help, I can’t see my foo foo is a funny, crass, honest and sarcasmic (a cross between sarcastic and orgasmic) personal diary written by entertainer and mother Kelly O’Brien.
And it talks a lot about vaginas!
Kelly shares with you her day-to-day discoveries of pregnancy the first time round.
‘I have swollen and toes, pigmentation on my face, and a long line running from my fanny to my breast bone. What IS that anyway? Is it so the doctors in the delivery room can do lines of cocaine on your belly before they perform a C-section?’
This book is shockingly honest and Kelly writes freely and openly with delightful optimism and humour.
This remarkable read will keep you smiling all the way to the hospital.
Help, I can’t see my foo foo is absolutely terrifying and intriguingly exciting at the same time. Just like expecting your first child…
About the Author
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Kelly O’Brien was born in the small country town of
Kelly soon developed her talents as a country artist and in 1990 she was crowned South Australian Female Country Vocalist of the Year and Best new Talent at the famous pan-Australian Gympie Muster country festival a year later.
Kelly’s first national television appearance was at the age of 18 on the talent show New Faces and soon she began regular TV spots on Good Morning Australia, Carols in the Domain, Cartoon Network, Living with Style and Home and Away. Kelly also beat 10,000 hopefuls to reach the final 12.in the second series of Popstars on Australian National Television.
Her commercial work has featured advertisements for 7-UP (directed by X-men’s
Kelly’s musical theatre credits include Dinah in Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Starlight Express, as well as lead roles in Tropical nights, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Spice Power- the Australian Spice Girls tribute act, Tonight’s the Night, and
In 2004 Kelly secured a recording deal with Zyx music, re-releasing the hit single Crucified with the band Glamrock.
Kelly O’Brien now lives in