Identity Theft

I’ve been forced to take a good look at myself recently. And by recently, I guess I mean the last near-thirty-ish years of my life. Anyway, I was praying one day on my way home from work, and the Lord simply asked me, “Do you love yourself?” I really wanted to say, “YES!” but I couldn’t. As a matter of fact, the question really hit me quite hard. So I really didn’t answer at all. And just like any parent, He continued to ask me. “So, do you love yourself?” And I continued to not answer. Now keep in mind, I know that God knows what I’m thinking, even if I’m not saying anything to Him, but all along, as He repeated His question, I kept saying to myself, “Wow, that’s a deep question.” I wanted to answer the right answer, and I wanted to know what He was getting at. This avoidant dialogue (even my non-responsiveness was a response) continued all the way home. I stopped to check my post-office box, and He kept asking. I stopped at my neighborhood mailbox, and He kept asking. And I kept responding, without answering the question. He would ask the question, and I would consider what type of person I was. One thought I had was in response to the scripture, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” I have really begun to believe that though this particular scripture an admonition, it’s also a declaration. I really believe that this statement indicates that you will love others to whatever degree you love yourself. That’s why, sometimes, the people around us get the worst treatment from us, because many times, our struggle to love them is just as hard as our struggle to love ourselves. Whoa. As God asked me this question, it was obvious that my answer couldn’t be a whole-hearted “yes,” if for no other reason than the fact that before I even answered the question, I began pondering what kind of person I was, what I had done right or completely wrong in recent history, and how I felt others viewed me. The Lord really didn’t ask me for any of that information. His only question was, “Do you love yourself?” And I was saddened, not because I couldn’t say yes, but more so because my response to His question wasn’t even based on me at all! It was based on other stuff—stuff that love wasn’t even supposed to be based on. Stuff that humans deem important but God deems quite temporary and flimsy. Now, I’m a Christian and all, and I love God—at least I think I do—as much as a frail, frayed, flawed human can, but do I love myself? And if I love my neighbor in direct accordance with how I love myself, then I have to consider the scripture that asks how I can say that I love God, whom I’ve never seen, when I don’t love my brother, whom I see every day (1 John 4:20). So maybe that is what’s getting in the way of a better relationship with God. Does my lack of love for myself affect how I love everyone else around me? So what’s really wrong with me, anyway? Or here’s the better question. If all of the things I was looking at have nothing to do with loving myself, or who I really am, then who am I really, anyway? What’s my true identity? That’s when God spoke to me. The exact words don’t come to mind, probably because I was floored by the statement, but in essence, God told me something that evening, as I finished checking my mail and headed up my street toward my house, that I’ll never forget. I learned that my focus on what I had done (right and wrong) affected how I viewed and loved myself. He told me that I didn’t fully love myself because I’ve been a victim of identity theft. And to that, I smiled and said, “OK, I see You’re going to mess with my mind tonight.” And to think, I’ve been shredding mail and taking all of the shrewd steps to being sure no one stole my identity, only to find out that I may have been protecting the wrong identity all along. Here we go again.