PALM ISLAND--PARADISE LOST

            My whole life has been about taking responsibility for everyone and everything that came into my life and path.  I grew up thinking hyper-giving would ensure success across the board, no matter what.  My own inadequacies and deficiencies were protected until I was challenged to change.  And my challenge, although gossips easily shrug and dismiss it in a sentence—“He wanted a divorce”—was nevertheless monumental, shaking the foundations of my life, my self, and my very physical and emotional survival.

            Attempting to blend love, sex, and marriage into a committed long-term relationship is more than a challenge for a majority of our population.  It is a death sentence!  Individual growth has pulled out ahead of long-held values and makes for heartbreak for those who are victimized by a changing society.

            In Challenge of the Heart, Weldwood, John (1985) observes that our society produces “warriors of the heart”.  A sign of the times is the ability to approach the challenges of intimacy in this era of terrifying uncertainty with bravery, gentleness and, above all, a willingness to open to love’s teachings by risking, and perhaps falling in love, again and again. 

            My heart sustained a near fatal injury and could have become hardened to betrayal by a man I thought incapable of leaving and whom I thought treasured as I did what we had together.  Even a safe harbor may become stagnant for the other and silence may protect the dissolution of a relationship.

            My husband was all I ever wanted or needed in a mate.  Whatever tradeoffs were made in the relationship worked to my support, nurturing, and contentment.

            Palm Island is the story of my survival after he left in a most abrupt and piercing way. I realized my self-deception, “that all was well” contributed to a denial of reality.  His leaving forced me into self-examination, which in turn freed me from long-term anger and resentments that would have stolen the rest of my life.  In the worst of times I was able to release myself from a dreaded sense of separation-anxiety that he would someday die (or I would), and I might be left in an incredibly painful state.  Fears that had cocooned themselves in childhood resurfaced and impacted my ability to heal in spite of a strong sense of self, a trunk full of coping strategies, and loving, supportive family and friends.

            Throughout my life, I experienced many losses and these probably helped me choose to enter the field of psychology, specializing in bereavement, sexual abuse, and divorce.  I saw many couples who allowed problems to distance intimacy.  I would go home at night so grateful for my husband, whom I adored.  When my personal world was shattered, I was challenged to heal myself, as well as maintain a thriving practice.  This is my personal story. The fact of this book is a powerful testimony to the healing I was able to produce, and I offer it to readers who are suffering as a guide on their own painful roads.

            Palm Island:  Paradise Lost is a collection of my notes and healing journey.  I had put together a bereavement model from the literature years ago.  I found it a constructive way to teach workshops and work with my private practice at Crossroads Counseling Center.  I always had the most difficult time just surviving the hit that appeared out of nowhere.  Using the first letter of SELF-Survival for me was the greatest challenge.  I just wanted to take to my bed and pull the covers over my head.

            The E in SELF is for examining.  When I had managed to stabilize my emotions, I would employ my abilities to tease apart the situation, make sense of it, and try to move forward.  The L in SELF represents the letting go of resentments and giving grace, totally undeserved, but necessary to move on without anger and hostility.

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