Journeys of Women Without Custody

In the summer of 1983 I divorced my husband. What motivated the divorce action is not as important as the decision to not seek custody of my three children, and the impact that the decision had on my life. I was well aware of the term the new poor, the new social structure that, formed by the divorce epidemic, was robbing women of their rights, life, and dignity. Not wanting to fall victim to economic inferiority, and having perhaps a confused self-concept, were elements of my decision to relinquish custody. There are societal repercussions for deciding to relinquish custody, and ways in which it affects one’s sense of self. There is an existing sovereign definition of women. This definition of a woman’s “self,” and even her personality, is based on whether or not she is a mother. Thus, a mother who does not conform to the social, cultural, and psychological inferences of mother, feels pain, anger, and defensiveness that are caused by the reactions of the community at large. A man who divorces and leaves his children with his ex-wife is off to rebuild his life and seek his fortune. When a woman does the same, the eyebrows of society are raised, and in the back of people’s minds are thoughts of irresponsibility and selfishness. This book is based on the research I did for my doctorate in human development. The study explores the effect of the noncustodial experience on a woman’s life. The research does not falsify the existing literature and knowledge on the topic, but exemplifies the effect and illuminates thematic issues and concerns. I do not wish this research to set apart other work that has been done about noncustodial mothers. This book expands upon and provides a different frame of reference or lens to examine the phenomenon of noncustodial mothers. This investigation represents an attempt to justify the noncustodial mother’s experience in her own terms, rather than trying to force the data into preconceived notions and ideas. There is a common thread that weaves a definition of woman as mother or “not mother” for herself and society. The significance of women’s mothering and gender identity explored in feminist and psychoanalytic theory confirms the feminist views of mothering, uniting fantasies of culturally child centered perspectives with the myth of omnipotence, thus creating a fragmented view of mothering and the mother-child relationship (Chodorow, 1989). These relations must be realized so that women’s lives will be transformed, expanding beyond the myths and conceptions of the ideal mother. Historically, theorists have drawn a depressing picture of female personality development that is based on identifications within the mother-daughter relationship. Psychological theories maintain that maternity is the equivalent of female adult development, and thus there is not a normative female identity for the woman who is not a mother. Feminist theorists draw a model of “relatedness,” a relatedness whose foundation is imbedded in the mother-child interconnection (Chodorow, 1978; Gilligan, 1982; Jordan, Surrey, & Kaplan, 1991; & Jenkins, 1996). This exploration weaves an alternative understanding of motherhood, one that is non-pathological in its presence; the mother/non-mother label continues to define a woman’s personality. There are many mothers who are very untraditional in their approach to child rearing and life in general. This untraditional mother exposes her children to the many facets that comprise her personality. In The Mother’s Voice (1994), Kathy Weingarten maintains that a mother’s sense of self is an ongoing story told in her many voices, thus the mother is not fixed and enduring, but evolves in a continual process of telling her story (p.74). In this way, the mother does justice to herself without compromising herself and violating the interests of her child. Mother’s fears of self-compromise must be transformed into opportunities. All mothers (traditional and otherwise) can provide the opportunity for society to genuinely understand them. Since it has been established that women define themselves in the context of relationships, making a break from their mothering relationships will initiate a period of considerable flux in self-concept and identity. This has an enormous effect on their lives. It is from my own experience, and the stories of other noncustodial mothers, that I find this turbulence to be problematic. The experience has even led to justifying one’s existence and definition as a good woman. These experiences have been explored by Patricia Paskowicz (1982) in her work Absentee Mothers, which studies women’s noncustodial situations, Helen Rose Fuchs Ebaugh’s (1988) Becoming an Ex, which examines the process of role exits, and Marty Ireland’s Reconceiving Women (1993), whose research explores the lives of childless-childfree women. This book provides a voice for me and other women like me who have struggled to redefine who they are when they become noncustodial parents. By helping these women’s voices to be heard, we, as a society, genuinely listen, and thus a better understanding of women’s noncustodial situations emerges. A great deal of research over the past twenty years has focused on the topic of divorce. The lives of noncustodial women have become more visible through the popular media, although when I engage in conversation with noncustodial women, their pain is obvious, even as they work to keep it secret. Even when their experience is continually discussed, there seems to be no catharsis. We as women never feel “ok” with our noncustodial situation. The content analysis of the interviews of noncustodial mothers illuminates their struggle with negative stereotypes, societal stigma, the legal system, and the adaptation to their nontraditional parenting role. Such analysis expands the way in which we define women developmentally.