Pain of Mind

The anxious cry of my wife carried across the frozen lake, breaking the solitude of my customary early morning cross- country ski trek and began an arduous trek of another kind. The news was bleak. Doug, our close friend and my pastoral co-worker had been diagnosed with chronic leukemia. My journey of discovery had begun. Although we walked together through various tests and diagnosis stages, bone marrow transplant surgery, months of isolation, more tests and diagnosis, and an ever so slow recovery, the greatest challenge of the trek was the walk through the dark valley of depression.

In the months of recovery following surgery, Doug received regular treatments of steroids and drugs to build back immunity as well as prevent marrow transplant rejection. During this time, there was the risk of several possible side effects from these drugs: liver failure, bone deterioration, and chemical imbalance in the brain that could cause depression. Although spared of most of these side affects, my friend did suffer from drug-induced depression. He experienced the typical cycles of despondency: desire for isolation, feelings of rejection.

One of the challenges Doug faced was determining God's answer for dealing with this depressed state. Although he had been given ample warning regarding these side effects, there was a desire for clear direction from Scripture regarding the appropriate Christian response. The confusion of multiple approaches and the frustration of no clearly stated Biblical direction only added to his state of depression. He disclosed these desires and apparent frustrations to me during hospital visits.

 Doug's depression deepened. He began to express doubts regarding his faith and to talk more of suicide.  Eventually he could no longer communicate nor function adequately enough to care for himself. His condition deteriorated to the point where he was reduced to sitting cross-legged on his bed while staring at the wall. An attendant was assigned to his bedside to feed him, to provide necessary care, and to guard him from attempted suicide. In this state, Doug's family could not bear to visit him because of the pain it brought to their own hearts. Clinical depression became the great silent enemy and the cause of my own journey of discovery.