The Big V

Crossed The Line “Make haste, O God, to deliver me; make haste to help me, O God.” Psalms 70:1 KJV Have you ever had someone cross the line with you? I mean someone you respect and honor, someone in a role of authority in your life? Well I have. When it happened, it almost destroyed my faith in what is good, but it definitely destroyed my belief that I was good. Whether it was an unwarranted touch, a “too tight” hug or a look that makes you feel uncomfortable, some of us have been put in a position where someone, somewhere crossed the line. For me it has happened only a few times but the effects took years to undo. After every incident I began to blame myself for that man’s desire causing him to cross the line. “Did I lead him on? Were my clothes too tight? Did I do something to bring this on? Maybe I am imagining things?” These are the questions I asked. I remember sharing some of the incident with some people. After some conversations, I felt that it was my fault, and something that I wanted, and that I was to blame. I remember being at work one day, working in my file room. While in college I had worked part time as a file clerk. It was a closed space with only one way in and one way out. I was in the back of the file room when someone opened the door and cut off the light. I thought it was one of my female co-workers playing so I headed to the front of the room. As I got closer to the front, I felt a hand around me as he said, “Hey, baby.” At that moment fear gripped my heart and I began to swing! ‘Bout time I got finished knocking him up side his head he hollered, “Hey, hey I was only playing.” I responded, “Well, I don’t play like that!” After the adrenaline rush was over, I sat in my file room and cried. I never reported it to personnel, because I thought, “Who would believe me?” I did however speak to an older man who worked with me and looked out for me on the job. He approached this guy and made him apologize. I never had this type of trouble again; however, the damage was already done to my mind. As a young adult I feared being raped. I used to see television shows about women whose virginity was taken from them, so this experience took me for a loop. I often wondered if this guy from my job would seek revenge or come after me later. All of these thoughts traveled through my head and caused my self-esteem, appearance and love for the beautiful person that God made me, to go down the drain! I felt that if I wore baggier clothes, the looks from this man and others who attempted or crossed the line, would stop….but they didn’t. I thought that if I laughed less, I would be less desirable, less sought after. Wrong again. I felt dirty and didn’t want any man to find me attractive. The enemy even set up incidents in church to further torture my mind, driving me deeper into low self-esteem. So I remember getting inappropriate looks, hand shakes, hugs, etc. from men, even clergy. I hated the attractive woman God made me and changed her appearance to alleviate her situation. What a position to be in!: being afraid not to show “Brotherly Love,” in the church setting, but at the same time knowing that the vibe I was receiving was more than just brotherly love. I used to question the religious men who are perpetrators, “How can you do what you are doing? How can you act like that when you are a respected man of God? Do you realize what you are doing? How can you lie to make it seem like you are the victim or the one being approached but when it’s all said and done, I am the one destroyed inside?” Getting the wrong attention from the wrong person at the wrong time, can cause you to feel less than godly! I began to wonder who I was, what I was, and why I was in this position. It was at this time that I really had to lean and depend on the God I was learning about, for this occurred early in my Christian walk. My relationship with the Lord began to deepen as these men, even in high places, crossed the line. I often wondered why so much happened to me as soon as I got saved. It seemed like God had me on a crash course of learning. I wish, at times, that I had been stronger and more supported then so I could have spoken out about it without fear. I pray that anyone who is reading this and feeling what I have felt, whether past, present or future, will know that you don’t have to suffer in silence. Pray and speak out so it can STOP! No matter how much people imply that you have received what you set yourself up for, no one has the right to cross the line with you. To any man or woman, particularly Christian leaders and any authority figure, who is crossing the line with those who trust you, REPENT! God can help you turn from your fleshly lusts and be free. Moral of the Story: Don’t doubt the feelings that you have when you sense the violation of boundaries in your relationships. If it is wrong, it’s wrong. Don’t let anyone cross the line with you. Practical Prayer: Father, I don’t know what is going on right now. ______________, approached me in a way that made me uncomfortable. I feel ashamed, scared, and alone. God, in my head, I know that I didn’t do anything to get into this but I still feel guilty and unclean. Help me! As I am crying, help me. I don’t know what to do and how to handle this. I am asking for your direction. Heal me from this experience and make me whole. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.