So many times I cried myself to sleep, wondering how any “God” could allow a single soul to experience so much pain.  How could a good God let me feel this way?  How could a good God take away everything that meant anything to me, again, and again, and again?  Would the pain ever stop?  Maybe someday I would be able to have the strength to take my own life…until then, I could only look up to her because she did.

            It wasn’t always that way.  There was a time when life was good, when all I could do was smile.  It was a time of pure optimism.  I had the gift of vision, to see the world through magical eyes and find good in everything.  For a while I recalled this innocence as being naïve.  I could have called it anything I wanted to, but it still wouldn’t have stopped my longing for that time.

            Where exactly is the innocence barrier shattered?  When did I understand pain?  Finances?  Loss?  When was it that I realized that a smile could no longer heal all wounds?  When did my smiles turn to tears?  When did the void take over?

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I was three…

            Mom was crying.  Eric was crying.  I was crying.  We were driving through the tunnels in California.  I knew that it was over.  We had said our last goodbyes to Daddy.  There was no going back this time.  I had just lost my father. 

I felt abandoned.  My dad had let us walk away.  My stomach churned and my head ached from crying so hard.  I bawled over a situation that I didn’t understand.  My relationship with my father would never be the same.  I learned that love wasn’t forever.

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