I Think I'm Having One Of Those Decades

Love Means Never Having To Say, “I’m Stuck In Traffic”

I’ve been married for over thirty-two years, which truly amazes most of our friends, family, and anyone who has ever read anything I’ve written. Diane is often questioned about how she has managed to put up with me for so long.

A while back, the alumni of the Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop decided to create the Diane Kirkland Award, to be presented annually to the spouse of a humor writer who has had to put up with the most grief over the years. Diane was the first recipient.

When my friend Lynn Johnston, the creator of the For Better Or For Worse comic strip, wrote the cover comments for my second book, she said, “Nothing is safe from his crack-the-wit columns, which is why I love to read his stuff . . . I just wouldn't want to be married to him!”

Somehow - and I can’t imagine where it comes from - people have gotten the idea that it would be difficult to put up with someone like me for three decades and change.

I’d like to set the record straight. In fact, ladies and gentlemen, I’m an absolute freaking saint. As a result of my pure, unadulterated saintliness, Diane and I share an abiding love that has sustained us through the years.

They say that opposites attract, and I will admit that in many ways Diane and I are opposites. One only needs to look at the two of us to see a myriad of differences.

I’m six-foot-four and Diane is nearly a foot shorter. To make her feel better about her vertical deficiencies, I’ve always tried to keep the difference somewhat muted by saying that I too am five-foot-something. OK, so it’s five-foot-sixteen, but at least I’m trying to stay within the same range.

If anything, our height difference has always worked to Diane’s advantage. If she didn’t have me around she would have to use an extension ladder to get anything from the top shelves in the kitchen cupboards.

Another difference is apparent because I’ve lost a great deal of the pigmentation in my hair. It seems to have accelerated considerably over the last few years. Diane is often quick to point out that she still has the same hair color she had when we were married, without the need to use artificial coloring. I’m happy to let her have that more youthful image and will regularly point it out, as well.

“Just look at Diane’s hair color,” I will often say. “Even though she’s older than I am, it’s still nice and dark. I guess that just goes to show which one of us is easier to live with, even if she does look younger then me.”

See? That was just filled with compliments about her dark hair despite being my elder.

Like I said, I’m just a freaking saint.

After more than thirty years of marriage, people should accept that there is something special between us. With divorce rates as high as they are, it’s almost becoming unusual for a couple to be together for so long. I think one recent event epitomizes what we have.

Diane is a stockbroker. In her business, the months of January and February are the busiest. As a result, she is working six days a week and several evenings as well. We don’t get to see that much of each other in these two months. Diane asked me if I would like to go with her last Friday, when she