Asperger Syndrome: My Puzzle

On such occasions, I have consciously realised I have to come back out of “my own world” and re- enter the “real world” as soon as possible, otherwise reentry could become extremely complex, if not unattainable. Over a period of months, after my hernia operation, I gradually started to drift away again from the “real world” and become more and more engrossed in “my own world”. This involved not looking at faces, using my peripheral vision and blocking people out. I was well aware I had to emerge from the solace of my own refuge, my sanctuary of safety. I was for many, many months unable to surface from my asylum, but gradually I did start to make some progress to what people would refer to as “normality”. I develop many physical symptoms when I look at a person’s face. Perhaps, the most awkward one is the quality of my speech, which can become totally incoherent. Other symptoms include: moderate to severe headaches; blocked nose and pain all over my face; sore throat and a feeling of constriction in my throat; pains all over my body; I may stumble or drop something and finally I can lose consciousness. I have to learn when I converse with an individual not to look at their face, when I am actually speaking, but only look when they are speaking to me. The problem with not looking at people’s faces is it is difficult to know when it is my turn to speak. Several people I have spoken to concerning my fear of faces just cannot understand how someone could actually fear such a thing as a face. They find it quite incredulous. Some people are interested to know if my fear of the human face can be extended to a fear of animal faces.

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Most people take it for granted that as they journey through life they will, as a matter of course, have friends and maintain friendships. As I have already indicated, as an AS person I do not take friendship for granted. This is because; I have extreme difficulty dealing with people and forming long-term friendships, because I do not discern how to have friends. I am so naïve in the field of friendship that it is only recently I have understood that just because I may regard someone as a friend the feeling may not be mutual. I have often wondered what the characteristics of a friend are. Is it, for instance, someone you can rely on who will help you in times of need? Or is it, perhaps just an acquaintance you see from time to time? I find people difficult to read and comprehend and the subject of friendship an extremely confusing topic. I can never recognize whether people want to be genuinely friendly or not. I am, by no means, sure to whom one is allowed to say hello to or smile at. Despite my difficulties I do, however, believe that everyone needs friends whom they can depend on. People to share happiness with during the good times of life and to console them with the sad aspects of life. People have to appreciate that AS people have feelings just like NAS people and to know that you cannot “join in” leaves me feeling rather isolated, worthless and helpless. Over the years in order to “live” and survive I have had to block out my people problems; remember not to become involved with people to a point where I may actually really like them, because I cannot cope with people who I like going away and finally actively suppress my emotions. I keep myself extremely busy, otherwise I would think what other people do and for me this would not be a good idea, as it would cause me a great deal of anguish.