Closure?

I could not just choose not to see him. “I am going to hospital”, I told my mom. Don’t get me wrong, I was not very comfortable with this, but I felt a sense of obligation.

I am insane, I thought. Why would I want to do this?

“If you are sure that is what you want, let’s go”, my mom replies

My mind and heart were saying no. But when she asked me again

Yes, was my response.

What a long ride to the hospital that was, there was total silence the entire time.  Playing things in my mind is all I did, over and over again, but still no face. If I could just remember his face. I can change my mind and not go through with seeing him this way.

I was trying so hard, an image was all I got. I was only able to remember the events, but not his face. It does not make sense. Why? Why? Not his face.

We are at the hospital, finally. We enter and my mom did all the talking regarding why we were there, who we were there to see.

I just felt as if I was in a trance.  We were walking down the hall, and I truly began to doubt my decision. I do not want to do this. I do not want to see him, not like this. We got in the elevator and again I think to myself I can not, I can’t do this, but I share this with no one. 

We get off the elevator, I felt as if my heart was going to beat out of my chest.  Speak up, speak up, I say to myself. What is wrong with me? What you are thinking. But I still said nothing. We got to the room door, we knocked and we went in. 

The room had a glass between those seeing the body and the deceased. The body was of course covered. My mom asked me again before the body was revealed if I was sure.  I said nothing, nothing. Was I having some kind of out of body experience that I was not able to be in touch with what I was feeling, and speak on it.?  I have always been very vocal and expressed myself without difficulty, but not this time.

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Softcover

$14.95