THE BIBLE(According to Jack)
PART II-THE NEW TESTAMENT
by
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Mark Twain’s first name was actually Samuel but there is no hard evidence Mark’s gospel was authored by an apostle or disciple of Jesus.
“Is there any evidence whatsoever it was authored by a follower of the living Jesus?”
No, unless you count the fact I just raised that possibility. This process accounts for about nine tenths of fundamental Christian beliefs. Somebody in about 200 A.D. said to himself and others:
“Do you suppose Jesus could possibly be the Son of God?”
Initially, this person was treated as a nut case and expelled from the community. Slowly but surely, later generations began to discuss these ideas, at first, furtively, but after enough time passed, without fear of serious reprisal, assuming enough people started to buy into them. Then the ideas typically disappeared for a while because people had more important things to worry about, such as building walls to keep the barbarians from killing them, or warding off the plague by burning a few witches. Did I say witches? I meant heretics. Nobody’s stupid enough to believe in witches. Two hundred years later, somebody found a musty old half-eaten parchment you could barely make out but which appeared to say:
“---#$^% &%$* ^$$# $%Jes& *^$%% $%*$% &%$ Son%$^%od.”
Whereupon, the sacred interpreter of the sacred texts, including musty old parchments, confidently pronounced, using the latest scientific technique called coffee stain dating:
“I’m pretty darn sure this parchment, which was written at least 350 years ago, right around the time of the crucifixion, says Jesus was the Son of God.”
Mr. Sacred Parchment Interpreter, sir, how do you know this parchment is authentic?
“Who dares to question the sacred parchment interpreter? What’s your name, boy?”
My name is Jack the Meek, sir. I don’t mean to cause any trouble, sir. I just thought that given the incredibly significant conclusions you appear to be drawing from this dusty old, half eaten, barely legible parchment, you might be willing to tell us how you went about dating and authenticating it.
“I have already explained that fully to all of the people with a need to know and you, you little free thinking troublemaker, do not have a need to know. All you have to do is exactly what we tell you to do and we won’t have to try out our new thumbscrews on you. Any other questions, Mr. Meek?”
Only one, sir. Why do you have a huge turd sitting on top of your shoulders where your head’s supposed to be?
“Guards! Guards! Take this guy to the thumb screw room and screw one through his pecker.”
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About the Book
The Bible (According to Jack) Part II The New Testament is the irreverent, EVEN FUNNIER sequel to The Bible (According to Jack) Part I The Old Testament, Jack’s hilarious trashing of the Old Testament (in an entirely loving, caring and sincere way, of course!).
What does Jack have in store for Jesus and the apostles after explaining the true origin of circumcision; Eve’s mustache; Moses’ conversation with God about “cross-dressing;” who really built Noah’s ark; the farting of the Red Sea; and MORE? Pretty much the same thing except there’s a whole new cast of characters. All of a sudden from practically out of nowhere there’s a whole new religion up and running based on this guy named Jesus. Who the heck was Jesus?
Not to worry. Jack has conducted painstaking research and tracked down the “real Jesus” those “other Bibles” do not want you to know about. In Jack’s Bible women are treated with respect; sex is a perfectly normal activity; Mary and Joseph “did it;” and “Gay is okay!” Don’t even THINK about putting this book down and not buying it! Either laugh yourself silly while acquiring a whole new perspective on the New Testament OR, sanctimoniously decry it as sacrilege and burn it, along with every single copy of it you can BUY, with emphasis on the word “BUY”! Burn all you want. We’ll print more. If you need a moneylender to purchase large quantities for burning, please don’t mention Jack’s name. They’re still a little sore at him for repaying his last loan with relics. What? They were genuine. He knows a guy who knows a guy. Have a little faith.
About the Author
Jack Kolinski is a practicing trial attorney in Florida. He grew up in a large, loving Catholic family in Detroit before turning to the dark side, as evidenced by virtually all of his books (according to SOME people!). He attended Catholic schools through college at the University of Detroit where he obtained his B.A. (summa cum laude) and M.A. simultaneously in 1972. He graduated from the University of Michigan Law School with honors in 1975. He moved to Miami twenty five years ago to raise his family (four beautiful daughters) in warm weather. He lives with his wife, Jane, four cats, two birds (who bite but he didn’t feel it was right not to mention them) and worships his four beautiful grandchildren (none of whom bite and whom he would adore even if they did because he’s their Grandpa and that’s what Grandpas do!), to whom this book is dedicated.
In addition to numerous excellent legal briefs and articles of a slightly more serious “How did that huge stick get there?” nature (He’s REALLY good at that stuff too!), he has authored The Bible (According to Jack) Part I The Old Testament, the companion to this book (“DUH!”), and Baker’s Dozen, “Sinister” (Left Handed) Memories of Growing Up in a Large, Loving Family, a middle-aged middle son’s tribute to the two best parents in the history of the world and a heartfelt, touching, hilarious memoir about growing up with his twelve brothers and sisters, some of whom are still speaking to him.
He is currently working on his next hoped-to-be- #1 Bestseller, Anathematize THIS! A Lighthearted Look at Catholic Dogma, as well as a “sequel” to Baker’s Dozen, about raising his four girls and enjoying his grandchildren which has NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH HIS BROTHERS AND SISTERS SO STOP WORRYING ABOUT IT!