I Cried

She came back to the phone and said the test are negative just as I told you and I asked her could I come and see the papers for myself. She said  yes  to come at anytime and I did.  I felt a little better but not better.  There was just the shock of it all I guess, I was still in somewhat of a daze,  I could not even cry anymore its like I was made out of stone or something . I thought and thought , who could I tell that would understand. No one could I think of and the hurt was devastating and eating away at my heart like a maggot or something. The anger if I could just get rid of the anger I could think rationally.  God if I could just convince myself that you have taken care of it, if I could just forget about what people would say if they knew or what they would think. You know its O.K. to have and give opinions when its not you but when and if the tables are turned so do the opinions.          

If I could just stop listening to the enemy and what he is saying about me having it and that I am going to die the same type of death.  I sit in a daze so many times and if I never thought  before, my mind was working now and going through so many changes, Why me?  What did I do.?  Am I suppose to act like this never happened ?Am I suppose to just do this and love every minute of it without complaining? I have only tried to live a good Christian life and help all that I could now I have to deal with this.  Is this what you get  when you marry and the person is not saved?  No one told me that I should marry only in the Lord.  I had so many questions and I needed answers right then but I didn’t get them. But O God I thank you so much, I had to praise him and tell him thank you, he is so good.  My husband asked me what did my results say and I told him they were negative and he said he was happy for me, did he really mean it?  Did he?