I'm Still Here!

In the year of 2002 I had a miscarriage which devastated me.  I was around three months pregnant.   I had went to the hospital one night after leaving work early because of some spotting I had and some very sharp pains I felt in the lower part of my stomach.   The diagnosis was that the doctors could not detect a heartbeat in the baby and I was experiencing the early stages of what would become a miscarriage.  When I heard the news, I cried with a loud voice "why?!!!”  I did not understand.  My husband Nathan and the doctor did everything that they could to console me but it didn't work.

I was mad at God.  I was hurt and full of guilt because I thought that God was doing this to me because of the abortion that I had when I was a teenager.  I thought that I had done everything right.  I took my multi-vitamins, made my doctors appointments on time and ate all the right things.  I just did not understand.  I felt so ashamed because I had told my family that we would be having a child.

Being a newly-wed,  I was hoping that things like this would not happen.  I thought that it was finally God’s timing to start blessing again.

I was sold-out devotedly to the Lord.  I feared that I would be rejected and judged.  I thought that they would blame me or think that I had done something wrong.

I had not yet miscarried fully, And so, I was sent home with some medication for pain and a dead baby in my womb.  It was so hard to know that there was a child inside of me that was not living, breathing, moving or alive.   The doctors said that either my body would expel the child on its own or they would have to perform surgery, which I did not want.

The baby was still inside of the sac and was continuing to grow, and so my body did not detect that there was something wrong, this is the way the doctor explained it to me.

And so, with the hope that God would restart the heart, I left the hospital full of faith.  I thought that this was a test from God to see if I would believe Him for a miracle.  And so I prayed, and believed God, along with my family who were right by my side.  I knew that God could do anything but fail, I was trying everything I possibly could to keep my body from expelling the unborn child.  I tried to walk carefully and slowly.  I tried sleeping in different positions so that I would not cause the baby to miscarry.

Yet, God was telling me that it was not by might, nor by power, but if He was to raise this child up, it would be by the spirit of the Lord according to Zechariah 4: 6 which states,” So he said to me, "This is the word to Zerrubbabel: Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit, says the Lord Almighty"......