Everything But Love

          Lying in bed that night Spencer was moving over to get more comfortable.  The room was dark and still and smelled of lavender.  Quinton had burned a lavender scented incense just before they went to bed.  Quinton was lying with his back toward Spencer.  He was still processing their earlier conversation.  Spencer leaned over and planted kisses on Quinton’s face and neck but when Quinton didn’t respond, he stopped.

“What’s up with you?” Spencer asked.

“I’m angry at you about what you said earlier about my not being a good parent,” Quinton pouted.

“That’s not what I said.  Anyway, I can’t believe you’re still mad about that and instead of talking to me, you pout and give me the silent treatment?” chided Spencer.  He rolled over and wrapped himself firmly in the blanket.

“Well how do you think it feels for me to hear that you don’t think I’m a good parent?” grilled Quinton.

“I never said that!  So why are you putting that on me? You could be more firm with Andrew, I don’t take that back!”  Spencer sat up in bed to face Quinton.  “I’m not sure how you interpreted what I said.  But I don’t think you’re a bad parent.  What I did say was that no one has all of the answers and that we could all improve on any number of our skills.”

            There was silence as they both realized their voices were elevating.

“I just want to be the best parent I could be to him and it hurts me to hear that all of my efforts are not enough,” Quinton reasoned.

“Quin man!  You’re giving it all that you have to give with what you know.  You can’t be expected to know more.  Let’s face the fact that this is going to be a trial-by-fire kinda thing.  At the same time, ask yourself how open you are to receiving more information about becoming a better parent…or a better teacher…or a better lover!  The point is that we can always be better at something.  I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings, man.  I just wanted to make a point as your partner.  I’m not your enemy, so you should know I have your best intentions at heart.”

Quinton remained quiet as he contemplated Spencer’s words.  They stung but it was clear that Spencer was showing his support.  He was feeling embarrassed.  Spencer brushed his hand through Quinton’s dread locks.

“You okay?” he asked.

“Yeah.  I’m probably more frustrated with myself though.  Not because of the whole parenting thing but because it seems like I’m looking for things to pick at because…..”  He couldn’t finish his sentence because of the lump forming in his throat.

“…Because you still don’t trust that I want to be here and that when I make comments about your parenting skills then that means I’m criticizing you.”

Quinton looked up at his lover.  “Yeah.  And if you criticize me, then that means you’re heading for the door.”

“Quin, I’ve already told you….”

“I know, I know.  Intellectually it makes sense, but emotionally it’s challenging for me!  Ever since I can remember, whenever I've gotten into arguments with someone I was dating, they left me.  Emotionally that’s what I continue to expect, even now.  I hear you when you say that you’ll be here for me and yet, outside of today, we’ve never had a disagreement so how do you that you want to be here after this argument?  No one else ever wanted to hear my side of things so why should you?