Is It Over

It was an unusually sunny winter afternoon as I sat in my car staring at the windows to the condo, trying to decide whether to go back inside to comfort Milton.  Had I been too harsh in my treatment of him?  The answer wasn’t very clear as I was so angry that I could not see straight.  Revenge was the only thing on my mind as I thought of how Milton had ruined my life.  He had given me something that could kill me. 

I sat there as my mind began playing tricks on me.  I could hear my doctor’s voice loud and clear. “I’m sorry Dae’Mon, but your test results came back positive.”  Those words played over and over in my mind like a broken record.  It was driving me insane.  I had to do something. I had to take action.  “But what?” I asked myself several times over.

Then a little voice said to me, “Dae’Mon, leave his ass.  He doesn’t deserve you.  Look at what he’s done.”  And that was the day when I walked away from Milton, and it became by far one of the worse days of my life.  I left behind a man who truly loved me unconditionally.  I hurt him deeply; but in my own rage I could not force myself to go back to him.  I tried, but to no avail.  I returned to the condo several times, but my feet became cemented to the floor of my car as I continued to hear that voice instructing me to leave.  I opened the door to the car but couldn’t move, so I finally drove away with tear stained eyes.

I couldn’t believe that I was leaving. Part of me wanted to stay but an even stronger part made me leave, so I convinced myself that I had made the right decision.  I believed in my own mind that Milton had lied to me and robbed me of my happiness, so I ran even though I continued to go back and forth about the situation.  My head ached so bad that I thought someone was pounding it with a hammer.

I became dazed and confused, thinking that I was having a bad dream and would wake up to find everything the way it was.  I had no such luck as I looked down at the paper from the doctor’s office lying on the passenger seat.  It was as if the words were leaping off the page.  Positive...Positive…Positive.  I screamed out as reality slapped me in the face. 

I began to cry non-stop for hours.  The passing motorist kept staring at me as they drove by. I’m sure I looked like a lunatic crying like a baby; but as thoughts of my life being over entered my head, everything around me became a blur.  I was a prisoner of my thoughts.  I just couldn’t believe something like that would happen to me.  I pondered my situation and couldn’t come up with a reasonable explanation as to why I had to experience this.  I always prided myself on treating others the way I wanted to be treated.  Big Mama told me that when you do good, then good comes back to you.  How could this be?  Evilness had entered my life and was threatening to rip it apart. 

I was losing control and fast.  I wanted to just fold up and die, but I knew it wasn’t my time.  I had to deal with the situation at hand, but I didn’t have the courage to do so.  I needed help.  I needed reassuring that everything was going to be alright.  Since I had run away from Milton, I headed in the direction of the one person I knew I could always count on.