Caution Thrown to Clowns
What is the difference between “something” and “nothing?” One would think that such a question has no answer. Or perhaps one would think such a question deserves no answer. One could easily answer, how will the world end? Or who was the person that created the pestilence that set Europe back a thousand years? You really can’t decipher the two without losing face, dignity, and pride all together. The only reason I know this is because I have tried for many years. And for many years failure has been my companion. I have simply decided to accept that “something” does not exist in “nothing”. For as complicated as this sounds, it slowly reduces itself into simplicity. Right at the brink of mental collapse, it becomes as clear and calm as a hurricane’s eye. You see, these two concepts thrive and push to be understood. They exist in everything we touch, feel or see. “Nothing” is a thing that is solely dependent on its own exclusiveness. It bullies out anything that comes close to it. It destroys anything, which tries to make it something other than what it wants to be. It’s a muscle with a very strong flex. If you try to pressure it into something, it will knock you cold. You have to trick it, or at least that’s what I thought.
My name is Frankl Horowitz; a man that I thought was my father gave my name to me. I later discovered that I was wrong. My dad was the one that gave my name to me.
A dad is a person that is given the title of a replacement father, a “step-dad” if you will. Real fathers are called fathers because they, by default have certain rights. Rights, because they were there to romance your mom. Promising things that would later be disregarded as pillow talk. A step-dad is simply a step, a replacement that nurses the mentally damaged victim that your father leaves behind.
My father left on a particularly odd night. My mom says I was too young to remember him. She said he left before I was born. I knew my father for about five seconds before I was launched out. I can’t really remember, but often I pretend.
Swimming in a warm vile with others of my likeness. All could have been brothers to me if the timing was right. There’s a smooth sway that turns into an offbeat rocking motion. As soon as we know it, we are forced out into a gushing stream. Some of us try to hang on. But our failure results in the introduction of a new world, where at a distance we see something that looks like refuge. The smart ones race to our would-be new home. The others simply lag behind and scope out the new area. This time I raced. I raced faster than my stupid brothers and got in first. Once inside I taunted my brothers by sticking out my tongue. Anyways, I was alone in my new home and that’s how “IT” happened, careless, thoughtless and quickly.
My father left that night. That’s the first and last time I ever saw him. Who he was isn’t important. What is important is that he left my mother in a state of perpetual depression. Which eventually made her go crazy. So far gone from sanity’s ship that she married my step-dad because… well, she thought he was a rubber duck. Yeah…a rubber duck. She would refer to him as rubber lips.
“Come here my big rubber lips. Show me what those lips can do.” She would say to him.
I never knew what it meant. I only knew that every time she would say it, he would drop everything and they would seclude themselves for hours. I really didn’t care because at the time I was involved with my toy soldiers. You see kids don’t know what moaning from another room is. We know something is weird but we can’t exactly pinpoint what it is. Kids think about things like playing ball, avoiding vegetables, and other things more important than “you know what.”
On one of those nights my brother Daniel, who was two years younger than me, found my step-dad and my mother engaged in “you know what.” This of course was not a problem on it’s own. The problem was that Daniel had just finished waking up from a demonic nightmare. As one would imagine he was a little distorted. So seeing my step-dad mounted on top of my mom was enough for him to lose “IT.” He ran at my step-dad and bashed him. My step-dad instantly lost feeling in his legs. May I add that he also lost bowel control. When all was said and done, the room and my mom were a mess. I tried to ignore the screaming, but my avoidance technique was broken. On the bright side, my step-dad managed to impregnate my mom. Out of tragedy my step-dad had finally become a real father to someone that would only know him as “that guy in the wheelchair.” The casualty of this moment would later give birth to a child of burden. My loving brother Daniel was placed in a school for the mentally challenged. The school was called, “The Special School for Special Children.” He was there till I turned 30, which would make him a graceful 28. Since we weren’t allowed to see him, we were unaware as to how he was. So, on the day of his release we had a surprise waiting for us. We were jaw dropped. He had literally contracted Down Syndrome, facial features and all. I was unaware that such a thing could be “contracted.” But apparently it can.
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