Stepping Out

Think about the concept of ‘self-esteem’: a feeling of self-worth; of being liked by others, but far more importantly, of liking yourself. The amount that has been written about self-esteem in the past twenty years alone is overwhelming. It has become our modern obsession. We want high self-esteem so badly that we cause ourselves to have low self-esteem in our attempt to get it.

I have come to note three observations about self-esteem. The first is that people who have lots of it are not swayed by other people’s opinions. This is not to say that they do not listen to others; rather, they listen, weigh, and decide, based on the merit of the idea, rather than on the person who is saying it. I always know when a classmate or colleague has high self-esteem because they are not afraid to say “I do not understand” or “I disagree” in front of others. They are not afraid to have their own thoughts or even to admit when they are confused.

My second observation is that people with high self-esteem defend their own worth. They are not arrogant (which to me signifies low self-esteem), or boastful or rude about their own value. But neither do they allow other people to walk all over them. A person with high self-esteem says things like “You cannot talk to me in that way” or “I have the right to work in a harassment-free environment”. They are aware of their own intrinsic value, of their dignity, and they protect it.

Last, for the purposes of our discussion, I observe this: people with high self-esteem believe in themselves. When other people say “You can’t” or “You aren’t good enough” or “You’ll never make it”, they reply “I can” and “I am” and “I will”. They are not fools; they just believe in their own abilities.

This is pretty straightforward stuff that we have all read on posters and post-it notes and on a crocheted wall-hanging somewhere. It is not, as is often said, rocket science.

Now, I think that our overall self-esteem can be divided into categories: abilities, appearances, beliefs, and so on. We say “I like the way I look but I don’t like the way I speak in public” or “I can do anything I set my mind to except, when it comes to math.”

Many people have what I call ‘low spiritual self-esteem’. That is, they may or may not have strong self-esteem in other areas of their lives, but when it comes to their religion and their relationship with God, watch out! Their language is full of expressions such as “I can’t question that” and “Who am I to disagree with tradition?” and “But the Reverend says….” In this one area of our lives, it seems that we have been conditioned to think of ourselves as unworthy. We have been taught that we are not worthy of knowing God, and because we are incapable of ultimately understanding Him, and as we have not all done post-graduate work in theology, we are in no place to question or challenge or even to think. Our role, we believe, is to obey.

If I were granted one wish; if I could change just one thing through writing this book or conducting my interviews or talking to people over coffee, it would be to change the way people think and feel about their relationship with God. It would be to make people realize how high their spiritual self-esteem should be, to make them understand how loved and how good and how special they are, and how, above all, there is very little to fear from God. I believe that God is not concerned with the fact that we will never truly understand Her, or be as perfect as He is, or as good, since She is the one that made us with these limitations anyway. I believe that God made us to be in relationship with Him, and that, in itself, makes us worthy of that relationship.