Eighty Anyone?
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The next morning I found out the rest of the things I did wrong the day before. For one thing, the kid spotted the jug of sauerkraut I had set down in the driveway and decided to go get it. She started down the ramp, fell on her butt and slid all the way to the bottom. Didn’t hurt her but I guess it ruined her little pink dress. Bambi really yelled and screamed at me for this – like it was my fault that it rained on the first day the kid got here. I thought everybody in the world knew that chicken shit gets slippery when it’s wet. The kid is a city kid I guess an’ don’t know anything about chicken shit yet.
Then she saw the sopping wet cardboard box and the screaming meows coming out of it. She’d forgotten all about “Fluffy” in the box. Of course she brought it in and set in on the kitchen table and opened the soggy box. If you ever seen 60 pounds of screeching wet fur, this was it! Fluffy took off after Bambi’s nearly white dog, and the only thing we heard for awhile was howling and screeching up in the attic.
Bambi had an affinity for trying to ruin my day. I had just as big an affinity for not letting it happen. (I don’t use the word “affinity” very often ‘cause I ain’t sure what it means. I think it means she’s going to do it forever.)
I hadn’t even been outside yet to see if there was anybody left over from the party, but Bambi got me aside, holding onto my arm. The kid went out to play. I yelled at her, “Don’t go near the garage!”
“Damnit!” Bambi said. “That’s just exactly what you don’t say to a kid her age. Now that is exactly what she will want to do!”
“Well, excuse me,” I said. “I thought if you tell a kid something they were suppose to mind.”
“Bambi smirked, “When you was little did you ever do anything your folks told you to do?”
“Ok, you win.” That’s all I said.
I could feel more misery coming. Bambi opened her mouth and said, “Tell me Joe, are you the boss of this house?”
There had to be a catch to this, but I stuck my neck out anyway. “Hell, yes. I’m the boss an’ now I’m really in trouble, right?”
“Ok mister boss, there are two things you’ve got to do right away. You got to do something about the dead guy in the garage.”
I got one word in. “Why?”
“For God’s sake, Joe, we don’t even know who it is. Ain’t you concerned if it’s your old man or maybe old grandpa?”
“Whoever it is ain’t caused no damn problems. Why would you want to go in there and stir things up? He’s been nice and quiet for ten years. Let him rest in peace.”
“Yeah, but what if he’s some stranger?”
“Well let the damn stranger rest in peace then.”
“I’ll never understand you, Joe. Another thing you get to do is get some boards and fix that big hole Ed knocked in the side of the garage.”
“Why do I gotta do that? Ed done it. Soon as he gets up and around a little, I’ll buy some boards an’ he can fix it.”
“Yeah, but what if Ed croaks. Then what?”
“Then it ain’t never going to get fixed, that’s what.” Ain’t you amazed I had guts to say that?
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About the Book
80 year old Joe Binky has all the answers on how to live a longer healthy life. He has two mottos he lives by: “Never do it right if you can get away with doing it half assed.” And: Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow.” “Never do no stress,” He says, “It’s bad for you. Marry a really crappy cook. I never gained one ounce on Bambi’s cooking... You couldn’t keep much of it down. I lived all my life on beer, pretzels, an’ smoked pig entrails, which contains all the good vitamins... It is good to have good Genes, which you get from your dead relatives. If you got bad Genes, forget it. You aint gonna last long anyway.
About the Author
About fifty years ago our creative writing teacher told us: “Never try to write something that you know nothing about.” I immediately quit writing and got a job... Now it is fifty two years later, I am eighty two and suddenly realize I am an authority on being eighty! (Now I can write) My book is about 80 year old Joe Binky, his friends, his wife, and how a computer failure nearly got him, into heaven and the amazing fact that the old buzzard lived so long. There is no sex, (Maybe a few little innuendos) and a few “adult” bad words.