In a tiny room at St. Mary’s Hospital in Rochester, Minnesota, I saw the life drift from Clyde’s weakened body. His eyes moved wildly and suddenly stopped. And then there was only stillness.
Horror and pain gripped me and assaulted the very marrow of my soul as our oldest, Clyde Daryl, stood motionless and powerless, watching his father breathe his last breath from his mouth. I looked up at Clyde Daryl and I knew that he was saying goodbye to Clyde. He would be seeing his father alive for the last time - a father whom he had loved and known for some 19 years.
Only months before, Clyde was filled with laughter, antics, and silly jokes. He was always full of fervor and vitality. But now he lay motionless in the small hospital bed, and surrounding him were his nurses and doctors, close to his bedside.
I whispered to Clyde as I held his hand in mine and said, “Goodbye, Clyde. Goodbye, my darling! Sleep now from your pain. I love you. I will always love you, Clyde!”
I was lost in a quandary of pain and despair. I was empty, null of reality, and though my eyes had seen it, I still couldn’t conceive that Clyde simply had closed his eyes and breathed his last breath. After all, he was so close to getting a heart transplant. He was just so very close. We had traveled the countryside. Surely, he was not going to give up now.
Although I had seen Clyde breathe his last breath, I still wanted him to open his eyes again. I wanted him to come back to me, to us. I could not understand death this way; I hadn’t seen death this way. I had lost a niece, some nephews and cousins, and even my grandfather, but Clyde’s death was different. I felt that a part of me was dying in that bed as Clyde drifted away. And as I looked down at him, I knew that I would never be the same ever again, not without him.
What I saw before me was so far removed from my reality. I found myself looking down from the ceiling as the love of my life slowly closed his eyes. I wanted to hold onto him, but I couldn’t. I held his left hand very close to my face and I squeezed it tightly against my cheek. But as he took his last breath, his hand slipped from mine, and I knew that he was leaving me forever.