The Bathroom Comedian

Restroom Break

And no, I’ve never had gonorrhea or any other type

of venereal disease, and the first time I catch something

it will probably kill me. However, I once went hunting

with a friend of mine who had it, and when he tried to

take a piss beside a tree, I will swear to you he started

acting like the Tasmanian Devil on crack. So much

so that we almost shot him, thinking he had rabies or

something.

Name Calling

And it’s not as if they never called us names; they did—

especially me. And I still remember some vividly.... Who can

forget stupid, stupid-ass, idiot, nincompoop, ugly, crack

baby (my parents way of saying they grew up in the

sixties), shit-face, shit-for-brains, dumb-dumb, coward,

spineless (my brother), ass-wipe, Buckwheat, rebel son,

no-good, worthless piece of shit, badass (never a good

ass, though). I’ve even been called genius a few times,

but from the tone and setting, it meant the same as

dumb-ass. And yes, I’ve been flat out called dumb-ass,

and even asshole a time or two (mainly because of

how I acted).

Spanking

As a kid growing up—well, allow me to restate

that. As a badass kid who didn’t know if he was going

to live to see manhood, I was probably spanked with

everything under the sun … from one whole tree to all

its by-products such as newspaper, books, plywood,

four-by-fours, pressed wood, belts, rubber, cords, highheel

shoes, low quarters, spoons (long ones), pots, pans,

pillows, wet rags, etc., etc.! You name it—it whaled

on my ass. My mom even spanked me one day with a

shoebox (and yes—the Pumas were still inside)!

Marriage and Divorced

Anyhow, Jack and I ended up in the hotel bar and