Dear Kelsea
Some Ramblings of Your Jesus-Loving, Cancer-Fighting, Pot-Smoking Mom
by
Book Cover & Preview Text
Rhyme and Reason
Hear Little Sister
A riddle for you:
Gobble up this pebble
See what Magic it can do
But
No! You can’t grow that!
Now listen to me!
Big Brother does not like it
When the best things come for free
Warning: The following 2 paragraphs will most certainly cause mental confusion.
Now here is an interesting thing. The federal government currently has marijuana listed as a Schedule 1 Drug, classing it with the likes of heroin, LSD, mescaline, and ecstasy. A Schedule 1 substance, by definition, is [1]extremely dangerous and of no medicinal value. This Scheduling gives it Face Card Status in The War Against Drugs.
Meanwhile, back at the lab…
The pharmaceutical companies have come up with (and the FDA has approved) a pill called Marinol. It’s a synthetic form of THC, the active ingredient in marijuana; which according to the same government (as you learned 4 seconds ago) has no medicinal value.
Note: To drive self certifiably insane, return to first paragraph and begin reading again.
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Page 74
Marijuana --The Gateway Drug – What a Crock of Crap
If I understand my Government Issued Propaganda correctly, this Most Evil Plant of All the Garden is going to pull you through a magical gateway into The-World-of-Hard-Core-Drugs (you know, the ones that really belong in Schedule 1, like heroin).
Well, with all due respect to whatever PR Guy got that to stick, I must disagree. In fact, Dear Daughter, I ran my own Independent Study (so much quicker than going through the red tape) in The Laboratory In Front of Everybody (LIFE for short). Here’s the hard data:
I lined up an earthbound plant, a potted plant, a twig of dried cannabis, a pile of seeds, a pile of stems, a pot brownie and a steaming cup of Weed Tea. I didn’t know if there were any clauses or technicalities in bringing forth The Gate, so I tried to cover all the bases.
Then I did the same experiment on them all.
First, I simply asked to see The Gate Which Leads To Other Drugs. (Seemed a small request considering the reputation that precedes it.) Nothing happened.
Second, I tried bribery. “So uhh, what’s the Gate Toll this week?” Wink, wink.
Third I tried threats. “Listen Evilweed, I can uproot you!”
Fourth, I tried gently shaking my cannabis items to loose The Gateway.
All efforts failed.
Then I went to the streets.
I located a Random Street Dealer.
I explained I was having a hard time finding The Gateway To Other Drugs.
“Not a problem, which Other Drugs would you like to be acquainted with?”
(Supplemental Information: According to statistics from The Department of Real Life, only 0 out of every 700 marijuana growers report meth labs spontaneously sprouting up among their cannabis plants. Interestingly enough, those are the exact same numbers from the How Many Marijuana Users Have Had Their Pot Magically Turned Into Cocaine When They Weren’t Looking survey! What a coincidence!)
