Humpty’s Pieces

Haley walked over to the old couple. “What would you folks like to order?”

Pete said loud enough for everyone in the room to hear, “Lamb chops.”

“The Mister wants lamb chops,” Ashley repeated.

“I’m sorry, we don’t have them tonight.”

“The Mister always eats lamb on Sunday night because of his religion.”

“We’ve got some thick pork chops. I can have the chef cut them down, make them look dark, and bring some mint jelly. Do you think he’ll know the difference?”

“Maybe not. Bring me some too and I’ll see if I can fool him. He’s almost deaf and blind so it might work,” Ashley said winking.

Norma Jo overheard the conversation. “Did you hear that? The old man can’t hear very well.”

“Hell, they’re in the room beside ours, and he kept us up last night, coughing. I beat on the wall several times, but it didn’t do any good. Now I know why,” Joe Bob said disgusted. “If he does it again tonight, I’ll call security.”

“He can’t help it so put a pillow over your head,” Jody responded.

Haley brought the fish sticks and hot dog and the family started to eat.

“These fish sticks are a little mushy, but good,” Norma Jo said.

Pete continued to cough and blurt out words the entire time the Fix’s were eating. Trip came to the door near the end of his actor’s performance and had to hold his laughter. They were not only bothering the Fix’s but also many of the other people in the restaurant. Once Pete flipped mashed potatoes in Ray Bill’s direction, but missed his head by a few inches.

“Why don’t we pick up this table and move away from that old fart?” Joe Bob said.

“We’re almost all finished. Let me get the waitress, I’ll pay the bill, and we can get out of here,” Ray Bill responded waving to Haley.

She brought the check and handed it to him. “What the hell is this? This bill says $153.42. It’s got to be a mistake,” Ray Bill said in shock, handing it back to Haley.

“It says here you had five orders of fish sticks at $25.00 each. The total looks right to me,” Haley said innocently.

“How could the fish sticks cost $25.00 for each of us? That’s damned ridiculous!”

“It says on the menu the price varies based on current market costs. We make our sticks out of hog snapper when it’s in season. It’s the best tasting fish I know. Didn’t you like them?” Haley said, barely suppressing her laughter.

“Sure, they were Ok.”

“Well, I’m sorry, sir, there was a misunderstanding. Next time ask what the market price is. Do you want me to bill it to your room? What is your room number?”

“Yeah, I guess so. I don’t have that much on me now. It’s room 312.”

Haley walked away. Ray Bill looked at his group at the table. “Let’s get the hell out of here before I break some of these damn tables.”

“Calm down, husband. There’s nothing we can do about it,” Norma Jo said.

“I don’t have that much,” Joe Bob said.

“We’ll get it worked out later, but we’ll eat somewhere else tomorrow.”

They got up abruptly and rushed out. Pete and Ashley spotted Trip in the doorway and started to laugh. He gave them the high sign.