Candles in the Darkness

Subj:      Humans and Pigs
Date:      1/2/2001 3:17:48 PM Central Standard Time
From:     sarahjf50@hotmail.com
To:         debbiesb13@aol.com

Okay, bear with me here, I am making a true attempt to catch up on our e-mails... As for the answer to what two mammals sunburn--I qualify for both species, as I am: The Human Pig. I have eaten so many crackers, cheese, dips, chips, candies, chocolates, pies, cakes, potatoes, stuffings, bean casseroles, lasagnas, cookies, nachos and maybe a tiny bit of salad...I am truly the human pig. I think I was oinking in my sleep...I have this urge to constantly stick my nose in the trough (frig) and root around for more slop (leftovers). Then there's the urge to roll in the dirt/mud (my house after the holidays) and do nothing.

As for night sweats and hot flashes: PLEASE don't tell me you have had these lovely physical conditions with no further signs of menopause for two years! I have to recant my diagnosis of your depression: no longer is it a case of too much emotional strain on your brain for too long. The new conclusion: arrested menopause. What a depressing situation! Would you like me to rip out your ovaries now? Then you can come and do mine.

How, in heaven's name, am I going to be when I have night sweats in the summer? Right now it is an inconvenience, but I just uncover myself to the cold night air for two minutes and it subsides--just a minor clamminess. But summer nights and night sweats? I will have to put waterproof pads on the bed, Bob will sleep on the floor with the dogs, I will be the first woman to drown in her own bed. This is not to mention how my bedroom will begin to reek like the boys' locker room. I will spend a fortune in washing sheets and fragrance oils and candles.

Oh, I get it now! This just came to me! This is God's way of making men stay away from (unreliably) unripe, dried-up, old women. Having us mid-life women rubbing deodorant all over our bodies before bedtime (instead of handing over the massage oil) would be a little of a turn off. And don't forget to factor in the human pig syndrome...Oh my Lord, I'm becoming like those thick, frowning women I see, with perspiration on their fuzzy upper lips.

I missed my period this month...so I'm pregnant or going through menopause--no wonder we gorge ourselves and get cranky. What kind of life is this? And you say wine increases your night sweats? I'm in trouble.

Have you considered Hormone Replacement Therapy (sounds like a brain transplant)? Last spring my gyn said I wasn't in menopause yet, but gave me a HRT pill to curb my rather severe periods. I never took it because I thought it was not that big of a problem, and I might gain weight on an HRT program. My philosophy? If you're going to gain weight, make it a worthwhile endeavor like I do: become the human pig during the holidays--

 I am sitting in the study, looking at the snow around the pool and loving this winter weather during the holiday. Luckily, the weather has not gotten in the way of the baby parade, and looks like Gina will not have weather to deal with when she's ready to go in the hospital.

I have come to the realization that not only do I love my daughters, but I truly like them. They, as many teenage girls, were very trying at times. But as they grow into young womanhood, they become these very nice, very accomplished, very responsible young women. I am truly impressed with how they conduct their lives--

Anyway, enough about me (by the way, my new name is Petunia, as in pig) and I will close this e-mail all about me with a trivia question to which I do not know the answer: Do pigs sweat?

Love, Petunia

Subj:      Yes! I remember!
Date:      1/2/2001 6:02:00 PM Central Standard Time
From:     debbiesb13@aol.com
To:         sarahjf50@hotmail.com

Dear Petunia,

Move over at the trough, honey, there's another pig here. What is it about the holidays? I couldn't stop eating either. If I could have grown another belly, I would have happily filled it as well. I read once that people aren't satisfied with liquid diet drinks because they don't get to chew. That must be me. I need to chew, chew, chew! But as you said, as least the weight gain was fun. 

As for missing your period...hmmm. That could be really interesting. I don't think I could take being a pregnant grandma... [Hope] you are not making medical history in the baby department. I would not want to see you plastered all over the front of the grocery store tabloids. They always use the most unflattering poses!--

As to night sweats in the summer --- maybe your mom will loan you her fans! Don't know if pigs sweat. 

I think you gave your girls probably the greatest compliment a mother could give to say that you like them and are impressed with them as women. Wow! Sal, I don't know if you have told them that or not, but I hope you do.