The Art of Heartaculture

        Over time the practice of making choices based on the subtle or blatant approval or disapproval of our authorities forces our true desires to recede under layers of programmed responses. To get to the truth of our hearts we need to ask ourselves if what we think we want is what we really want. Even when we answer this question as honestly as we can, it may still take repeated asking to evoke the true answer. What we think we want is often what we think we should want. We want what we should want because it is what our authorities tell us is good, and therefore right, to want. We act on these "shoulds" without comparing our thinking with our feelings. Automatically we assume that what is right to do is what we want to do.

                        I am going to mow the lawn now.

                        Do I really want to mow the lawn?

                        Yes, I should mow the lawn.

                        Do I really want to mow the lawn?

                        Yes, I need to mow the lawn.

                        Do I really want to mow the lawn now?

                        Well, I''d rather play golf.  

       Imagine yourself in this situation: You are in bed and your baby crying in another room awakens you. It is your job to take care of the baby, but you do not want to get out of bed. Are you wrong for wanting to stay in bed and not wanting to jump right out of bed to get the baby? Most likely your conditioning makes you wrong. How could you be so heartless? Your poor, helpless child depends on your. Guilt, guilt, guilt!

      We judge ourselves negatively for wanting something other than what we learned we should want. This judgment is a conditioned subconscious response. Even after years of successfully negotiating adulthood, we automatically feel we are doing something wrong when we consider doing what we want to do before, or instead of, doing what we think we should do. The “should” is a voice in our heads from a parent or other "authority.” The “authority” is often the general unofficial consensus of the society in which we live.

      I have clients who tell me they feel wrong about wanting to be rich when they are already making a good-enough income, or they feel guilty about wanting time for themselves away from their families. They think the desire to be rich is being greedy, that they should be satisfied and thankful for what they have, that taking time for themselves is selfish or irresponsible. You are not supposed to want things for yourself, right?  Rather, we are conditioned to provide for others first before we give to ourselves. We are so accustomed to living by our shoulds that we feel guilty or "bad" when we discover that what we want isn''t what we should want.