Making Love Safe

People are often confused and puzzled by what is happening in their relationships. They know something does not feel right but they are not sure what is wrong.  Self-help books, designed to help people understand their relationships often complicate the issues. Being in a relationship takes work, but it does not have to be hard.

In this book, we talk about relationships in a down to earth, common sense manner.  In fact, much of what you will read may seem pretty obvious once we begin to look at what people really want in a relationship and apply a simple approach to help them get it. Any relationship (whether we are talking about a marriage, a friendship, or a long term committed relationship) where the individuals involved can flourish, must feel “safe.”  A feeling of safety comes from knowing what is going on and what to expect.

In part one, Foundations of Love, we try to provide you with a blueprint or a model for how a relationship could feel.  A loving relationship does take work but there are many reasons to invest the time and energy that is required.  Often we have worked with couples who have lost the joy and rewards they once felt in their relationship and have turned to counseling for the sake of the children or simply to avoid divorce.  Their relationship is no longer safe and the expectations they once had have been dashed.  In this first part we will look at the romantic expectations and hopes, both known and unknown, that pull one into a relationship. We will also address ten different emotional rewards you can realistically hope to achieve from a relationship if you work for them.

In part two, The Language of Love, we give you the building blocks and tools to achieve the blueprint of the relationship we describe in the first section.  We develop a simple formula that combines the emotional states that provide safety with operational steps formed from behaviors.

We use this simple formula in sixteen different emotional need areas.  As a couple works together to define their unique needs in these sixteen areas, they create a language or way to communicate as a couple that allows them to understand and get what they need from their partner and relationship.

No plan is without its limitations.  In part three of this book, The Limits of Love, we will address some difficult relationship issues that can limit what one might be able to expect from their partner or achieve in their relationship.  In exploring different specific topics such as finances, infidelity, religious involvement, physical violence, alcohol and drug use and others we help couples explore their individual positions and the “bottom lines” in their relationships.  In working with couples for over thirty years we recognize that there are certain stances or responses that do not change for an individual.  These areas need to be identified and understood.  However, rather than creating road blocks, knowing the limits of your partner can help create the boundaries of safety. Just as in the other sections of the book, part three creates safety by clarifying what is going on and what to expect.

We hope that you will find Making Love Safe an interesting and easy book to read.  Beyond that we hope you will use the book as a tool to explore your individual needs and the needs you have as a couple.  Throughout the book we have used an on-going case example of a composite couple to bring the many topics we discuss into the realm of the daily relationship.  We also pose questions in each section to help you explore your own responses and stimulate conversation with your partner.  In some sections we have included examples of responses that we have derived from our many years of working with real life couples in counseling. Making love and relationships safe is not a theoretical exercise. It does take work and will touch all aspects of your life together.  However, the work is worth it because in discovering more about yourself and your partner you can find a love that will last.