JJ's Business Bullets -Volume 1

Mentors

So I’m just getting situated in Cubicle 949 when I hear a booming voice scream, “Where’s JJ?”

Some dweeb whispers my direction, and before I know it a John Madden clone has stuffed itself in my cubicle entrance, massive hand outstretched, huge face grinning like a polecat.

“JJ!” he gushes, “I’m Big Sam!  I’m your mentor!”

I didn’t know whether to be flattered or frightened.  All I thought about was whether I’d ever get my hand back.

It seems the Human Resources Reichstag had met earlier in the week and decided everyone needed a mentor.  Using the latest theories on human interaction...the lazy bastards randomly matched two lists...I was the lucky one who drew Big Sam.  And Big Sam...no doubt amazed or frightened by my seven- pound resume...drew me.

Now Big Sam’s not a bad guy at all.  Big Sam knows everybody, a fact that delights Big Sam and probably upsets the hell out of most of my colleagues.  And he’ll be happy to...no matter what the situation or how busy they appear...take a long, happy time introducing you to them.

Actually Big Sam and I have a few things in common.  Big Sam’s also had lots of jobs...currently he’s in charge of tracking down the copier guys and keeping dibs on the office supplies. Our big difference, of course, is that Big Sam puts up with the bullshit the brass throw at him.

My polite response to Big Sam when we met apparently was misinterpreted.  Now he’s everywhere I go, opening doors, introducing me to people before they flee, even hawking the cafeteria offerings every day when we pass through the line. He also stayed up an entire week writing two booklets for me: Big Sam’s Best Clothing Picks and Big Sam’s Way With The Ladies.

Thanks, Big Sam.

Fortunately, Big Sam loves strawberry jelly sandwiches.  So each morning I leave a stack out in the open in areas I won’t be visiting.  But today I ran out of strawberry jelly and Big Sam found me, smack dab at 9 a.m., and now he wants to “make up for the days we’ve missed.”

So long, Big Sam. Hello highway.  Be aware of my--

Signs You Have The Wrong Mentor

• Embarrassing public games of “fetch.”
• Mentor fails to notice the “kick me” sign taped to his back in 1987.
• I’m not saying your mentor is slow, but the other day she cornered three snails and two of ‘em got away.
• Mentor constantly accompanied by Ralph, the farting dog.
• Mentor insists his “troops” march double time to meetings.
• You suddenly realize you’re learning more about auto detailing than investment banking.
• Mentor constantly interrupts meetings to weigh you.
• Mentor refuses to wash or change her “lucky hose.”
• Colleagues gleefully refer to your mentor as “Mr. Crap-for-Brains.”