SEEDS OF DECEPTION

SEEDS OF DECEPTION

Introduction

My name is Jessie Fremont... as I stared into the mirror this morning I gazed upon a reflection that can be found within the face of many—that reflection being sadness. There is a void in my life, an unending emptiness inside, which continually eats away at the core of my soul. Within the eyes of my mother I see my reflection, even in her smile. Yet there is a part of me I’ve not yet met or come to know. I’ve never really felt like a whole person and never will, until I find my father. This is what causes my sadness. Jessie Fremont is only a name, but my true reflection is the insurmountable foundation of my existence. This image of myself not only can be found within the mirrors of my life, but within the reflective mirrors of the man and woman who were responsible for my entire being. This life I did not ask for or create, yet I exist; a life uncertain, yet I exist; a life without a father, yet I exist; but for how long? How long will I have to stare into the sad eyes of my brothers and sister, and how long will I have to helplessly watch my mother destroy her life? My mother, a woman I love with all my heart whose absence has become an uninvited guest within our household. Its presence captures our childhood and suspends it within its ball of confusion and hopelessness. Our cries go unheard as we awake to hold only one another and breathe in the dusty air of loneliness instead of the essence of our mother’s perfume. We struggle with our mother’s absence and find comfort in knowing that she may return; at least we hope she does. Time passes slowly around here, especially when every minute is spent with worry, some days not knowing whether our mother will even walk back through the door... and as the clock slowly ticks, the days pass without hearing from her. Fear whispers in our ears as our hearts silently cry for her return, and again our cries go unanswered.

CHAPTER 1

Today is Wednesday. As the darkness of night approaches there is no sign of her. When she left a few days ago, she said she was going to the store to get some food. I knew in my heart that it would be several days before we would see her. She would often get drunk with her boyfriend Randle and not show up until she was sober, or when that no-good bum would kick her out. I did the best I could to keep our family together; Mom knew this and would often say, “Jessie since you are the oldest, you are in charge of looking after your sister and brothers when I’m not here. Do you understand?” But how could I, a fourteen-year-old, understand having their mother away from home more often than she was there? And how could I ever understand the hunger pains we continually felt? Worst of all, seeing the sad expression on my sister and brother’s face, because our mother would disappear with no explanation at all. As a result of Mom’s absence we have shed many tears, and comforted each other throughout the lonely nights.

At times I would want to crawl under a rock and lose my own existence because I felt that this would be my only escape. I found it difficult to survive at times because I’ve struggled within the realms of my own being and have tried to figure out why my mother’s behavior has changed so drastically toward us, when all we are trying to give and show her is love.