Promises Kept

For many years, continuing until today, I have been very active in "Engaged Encounter." It is an excellent program, opening new vistas to couples preparing for marriage. I have gained many insights from couples as they prepared for their wedding. In Engaged Encounter, the two married couples who work with the priest stress that "marriage is forever" and not just for the wedding day. As a Team, we experienced the optimism of the engaged couples, but we knew it takes more than a positive attitude to make a successful "career" of marriage.

Some couples would leave before the weekend was over. A number of them canceled their wedding plans or delayed them. We saw that as a positive. In their evaluation of the weekend, many of the couples expressed the idea that "their eyes were opened." They started talking about many topics they had never discussed in their courtship; many topics that are integral to a successful marriage.

Many of them complained to us after the weekend. It was an eye-opening observation. Their complaint was that they thought they "went through a crash course and even with materials we furnished them, they realized they would need more support once they began their marriage." It reflected a growing maturity that "vows and promises can be easily made—but sometimes difficult to keep."

Out of this was born a program called "Marriage... Our First Career." From surveys made among newly marrieds in the Camden Diocese, N.J. we amassed many topics that our young married couples had found as pitfalls. Was it true in other areas? I was determined to find out.

Through the help of Family Life Directors in many of the dioceses in the United States and Canada I sought to find out. I sent out a survey to 3000 couples. Over 60% responded which told me two things: (1) Young married couples wanted help, and (2) that over 80% of the respondents revealed that the trouble spots in marriage are not regional.

Why do I use the word "career" for marriage? Is marriage a job? Well, it certainly takes work and effort. The wedding day is not simply a package deal that guarantees good results. In almost every other career in the world, officers in companies and professions send their workers to conferences and workshops, to help these people increase their skills. The aim is increased productivity, not simply for the company or profession, but for the good of the individual.

Topics included: better communication, how to satisfy people, how to use time well, and showing interest in "clients." In other words, improve your skills in the changing conditions of our world. Don't all these things and others apply to marriage? Do you communicate well? Do you look out for the well being of another person and not simply yourself? Do you imagine that you can experience an even greater type of love in the years ahead?

With marriages today we often find two people working outside the home. Do they find that they hardly have quality time for each other as they strive for greater approval in their work careers? Is making more money more important than improving their relationship?

"Good intentions" are often not enough. Another problem in our culture is that there is so much emphasis on "feeling good about myself" and "self improvement and advancement." Now, please don't get me wrong. There is a place for this (as you will see in the book, especially Chapters 2 and 3). I do not want to see a couple flying "solo" but instead as "pilot and co-pilot."

Some of the topics in this book and the "Marriage... Our First Career" program are very similar to some of the topics in "Engaged Encounter," "Marriage Encounter," and "Retrouvaille." Only a small minority do follow up on these good programs. God bless those who do. Again, any weekend or forty-four hour program seems like a crash course. Good feelings and attitudes come out: some of them last; some don't. What we are attempting to do is encourage people to grow in their marriage.

In the last few years I have served with married couples in a program called "Retrouvaille." It is a weekend experience with couples who have troubled marriages. Some of them are married only a few years; some have been married many years. After the weekend I have received many letters and e-mails, describing what they gained. It convinced me that there are many others hurting in their marriages because they do not know the "tools" that might help them. I strongly recommend Retrouvaille for them. Meanwhile, I hope this manual may help them and others.

If you are tempted to read this book all at once, then promise yourself to go back and read it again—one chapter every month or so. You could decide to read the whole Bible, but if you did it in too short a period of time, you would miss a lot. To grow in faith, you should just read a small section, then reflect on it. How does it apply to your own life and those you love? Even a passage or one verse can be powerful. It is not just to be read, but lived.

The Lord's Prayer is not long. You can pray it in a minute. But one time I took it passage by passage and reflected on it for a whole month. WOW, what a different meaning and prayer. That's why, I recommend that you take the material and questions one chapter at a time. Try to benefit from it. It will require time to reflect on each subject. It could take five years to cover all the topics. The chapters are inserted for particular years because usually, that is when the particular pitfalls are most observable. But a person might search through the index and find one that is critical today. So, go ahead and peek ahead of time, but some of the fundamentals come in the order of the book and that gives you a firmer foundation. For instance, a reader may be interested in the Chapter 6 topic, "Fighting and Anger" but needs to understand some of the recommendations in the first three chapters before having the tools to deal with Chapter 6.

Again, a person who reads the book in one sitting may complain there is a lot of repetition. Sure there is—because that's how we learn many things. We are not often successful the first time around. Sometimes, marriages are sick. The doctor does not want you to take all your pills in one dose, but rather gradually so your human system can absorb them. The topics are not meant to be exhaustive. An entire book could be written (and some have) on any of the topics. At the end of the book I will give you some recommendations for reading.

There will be exercises—topics for discussion—usually, at the end of each chapter. Don't try to do the total exercise all at once. Discuss one question at a time, reflecting on each carefully. As in the "Marriage... Our First Career" program, it is advised to take three months to ponder each chapter. Good reflection promotes heartfelt response and not simply an intellectual understanding. Times may change, but we find these topics still apply today.

Guarantees and warranties on any product depend on how you put them to work. Can this book help you? I certainly hope so. We have some statistics in regard to those who have gone through the "Marriage... Our First Career" program. Almost one third of all the divorces in the Ca