Sex, Lies, and Rabbis: Breaking a Sacred Trust
by
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TABLE OF CONTENTS SUNDAY, THE RABBI ASSAULTED HIS WIFE
"THOU SHALT NOT KILL OR COMMIT ADULTERY
That murdered woman could have been me! As I stood in the hallway between the kitchen and dining room of our home, my rabbi/husband threatened, "If you tell anyone about my secret sex life, I’ll kill you, and I will be exonerated because I am a rabbi"! Then he repeatedly slammed me against the wall! Hours before this frightening, murderous scene, my rabbi/husband finally gave me his appointment book. During the three and a half years of our marriage, we always checked our calendars together in order to plan time to spend with each other. Yet, for several weeks, he refused to show me his calendar. That day, he finally slammed his calendar down on the kitchen table. Then he slammed a box on the kitchen table and told me to look through it. As he did so, he shouted, "Good! Now you will know the truth, and we can have some peace." He constantly talked about, preached about, "Peace." Then he left to perform a ‘baby naming’ ceremony at the home of the new parents. I looked at the calendar first. I saw many dates and times painted with "Whiteout." I became suspicious. I looked at the box. It was a large, square box. The box was covered in red velvet. I didn’t think this odd at the time, because my husband was very romantic. I opened the box. There were pornographic magazines, novels, pictures of naked women, and audio tapes. I started shaking. The worst was yet to come.
PREFACE By Maj-Britt Rosenbaum, M.D.
FOREWORD By Gary Schoener, Ph.D.
Acknowledgments
AUTHOR’S INTRODUCTION
PART ONE MEMOIR
Sunday the Rabbi Assaulted his Wife
Growing up Sheltered, Naive, & Jewish in Bangor, Maine
Marriage to Mort. My First Experience With Abuse
Development of Independence/Feminism. Return to Spirituality, to Judaism
A Short Taste of Freedom, Peace, Safety
Enter the Rabbi Who Became the Catalyst for My Life’s Purpose
Rocky Road to Marriage to Jon
Marriage to my rabbi/husband
Assault
Order of Protection
Further Abuse; He Sues Me for Alimony; Trial
Freedom, Peace, Safety
PART TWO CASES OF RABBIS’ SEXUAL ABUSE
Women Tell the Truth: Women’s Stories as Told to Me
Cases Reported in the Media
PART THREE POLICIES OR LACK OF POLICIES GOVERNING RABBIS’
SEXUAL MISCONDUCT; WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE
PART FOUR DEFINITIONS OF ABUSE; THE KINDS OF PERSONALITIES
WHICH CAN LEAD TO RABBIS BECOMING SEXUAL PREDATORS; SOME SUGGESTIONS FOR PREVENTION
PART FIVE SEVEN STEPS FOR RECOVERY
GLOSSARY
RESOURCES
BIBLIOGRAPHY
AFTERWORD
"RABBI NEULANDER SUSPECT IN WIFE’S SLAYING"
Philadelphia Inquirer
CHEATING NEW JERSEY RABBI
CHARGED IN WIFE’S SLAY"
New York Post
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About the Book
Sex, Lies, and Rabbis: Breaking a Sacred Trust
This author writes about her own frightening, shocking experience as the wife of a rabbi-perpetrator of sexual abuse of other women, his violence toward her, and threat to kill her if she told about his nefarious double life.
The book delineates in one volume: the crisis in the rabbinate, in congregational Judaism; what needs to be done to bring about healing and change; gives description of cases of rabbis’ sexual abuse as told to the author (these cases are all composites; the victims/survivors’ identities are disguised), and as reported in the media, including the two murders related to rabbis’ sexual abuse; the alarming extent of this problem; outlines policies that synagogues and denominations need to adopt; provides definitions of sexual abuse; discusses the kinds of personalities of rabbis which can lead to rabbis becoming sexual predators; and offers some suggestions for prevention. The book offers a Resources List and extensive Bibliography, including articles from Jewish and secular newspapers around the country, about rabbis’ sexual abuse.
The book provides a healing program geared toward Jewish victims/survivors or rabbis’ sexual abuse; it can be adapted for victims/survivors of abuse by other clergy and of other kinds of abuse, including abuse by batterers. Women who suffered abuse of any kind will find this book validating and helpful for healing and recovery. "12 Steppers" will be especially interested in this book.
The book is helpful to people of all religions who are experiencing the crisis of their religious authorities’ sexual abuse and covering up of that abuse, including Buddhists, Catholics, and Protestants. It is an urgent read for all Jewish people concerned about the safety of their teen aged children and women, and about the future of their religious organizations and communities.
Books have been written about Catholic priests and Protestant ministers and sexual abuse; this is the first about rabbis’ sexual abuse. Rabbis Arthur Gross-Schaefer and Marcia Zimmerman, and Rev. Nils Friberg praise the book on the book jacket. Maj-Britt Rosenbaum, MD, psychiatrist and former Director of the Long Island Hillside Medical Center Sexuality Center, wrote the Preface. Gary Schoener, Ph.D., clinical psychologist, who treat both clergy-perpetrators and victims, wrote the Foreword.
About the Author
Charlotte Rolnick Schwab, Ph.D., a Manhattan psychotherapist for twenty-five years, lecturer, seminar and workshop leader, specializes in helping women and men to communicate and negotiate effectively and to create healthy relationships, and counseling women in recovery from rabbis’ sexual abuse, including wives and former wives of rabbis. She developed several trademarked programs including "The Schwab Model for Achieving Positive Self-Identity and Self-Defined Success"tm, "VECAM"tm, a communications training program, and "Gender Negotiations"tm. She is a former professor at Hunter College, City University of New York; Guest Faculty and Keynoter, Hebrew Union College; Lecturer, Seminar Leader: Jewish Theological Seminary, Union of American Congregations, Albert Einstein Medical College, American Psychological Association. Dr. Schwab now lives in Florida where she is a lecturer, mentor, and educator.