In Search of a Child

I grew up in a typical Bini family in Benin City, Edo State, Nigeria, West Africa. A culture where the bearing of children is the prime thing in life or the person will be looked upon as a nobody. In fact, this happens in practically every culture in Africa.

The early part of my life was spent with my loving grandmother. I remember how my grandmother always made sure we went to school and concentrated on serving God. She always read her Bible for hours, although as an uneducated woman she did not understand what she was reading. But she could tell you every story in the Bible. She always talked about Jesus to make all that came around her know Him as their personal Savior.

I will never forget also, when I was growing up, my father always woke us up in the early morning hours for devotion. My dad was a banker and of the Anglican religion. He did all within his power to bring us up in a God fearing environment. We had to go to church, sing in the choir and tried as much as we could to be God-fearing children. As we were growing up, I discovered that the more I advanced in age, the more I wanted to draw closer to God, and the more I backslid when trials came my way.

I just had this belief that God our father had to take care of me, because it was His duty. So, I did not have to worry or struggle for anything. Through the help of my grandmother, and many others like my precious, kindhearted Aunt Mrs. Esther E. Smith, I always got whatever I wanted as a child. My grandmother’s constant love, prayers and assurance, made me to grow up strong with a sense of security. Little, did I know that I would surely need this strong foundation the rest of my life. Remember, I said, I always got what I needed.

In 1971, I prayed that God should give me a husband that would love me even more than I loved him. Our faithful father answered that prayer, and allowed me to meet my husband that same year. At first, I had a very lukewarm attitude towards the relationship, because I did not believe that God could answer my prayers within two months. Anyway, God had His hands in our relationship. Three years after we met, he left for the United States to further his studies. We got married in 1979, and the following year, we were together in the United States.

The Battle To Get Pregnant

It has always been my desire to have children, so I thought it was that easy. I have always wondered when after some years couples get married and they don’t have children; I concluded that probably they did not need any at the particular time.

After trying for a few months, we then decided to go and pay a visit to the doctor. I was 23 years old and wasn’t used to seeing doctors except for minor things; so I was expecting to hear something simple like, "Stop worrying, all is well with you," I wasn’t prepared at all to receive the kind of news that I heard. My own mother had seven children, so I did not see why I should have any problem having children.

After the doctor completed several different tests and examinations, he told me it appeared that I would have difficulty having a baby, if at all I will have any. The test results indicated that I have a big cyst on the left side of my ovaries. Nowadays, the common diagnosis is fibrous tissue, in my time it was cyst in the ovaries. He said, I had to take a lot of medication, if it does not work, surgery must then be done. This was not good news for me because all my life I had not undergone any surgery.

He said, most women suffering from ovarian cyst could only succeed in getting pregnant after doing the surgery.

During the following months my condition grew worse. The doctor gave me some more medication. My husband and I prayed and prayed and thanks be to God, miraculously in 1981, I got pregnant which was a very good sign that something good was happening in our life and that God has answered our prayers. Unfortunately, tragedy struck at the fifth month of the pregnancy and we lost the baby.

At this time of my life it seemed that every wall collapsed on us. The years that followed were painful and cloudy. The window of our life has been cracked. Something painful, something fiery has burst into our life and hurt us deeply.

And suddenly God was not so easy to see. The view that was so crisp had changed, I turned to see God, but His figure was distorted to me. God seemed to be at a distance at this moment. Although, I struggled to believe that tragedy and travesty were not on the agenda of the God we serve. James 1:17 says, "Every good and perfect gift comes from above..."