Running Toward Tomorrow

It is my hope that this book will give everyone who reads it a better understanding of what can happen to people when they are left to fight a deadly disease. Many things can change a person both, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

This is my story, a story of my life, my experiences with the fight against neck and throat cancer. One of the more rare forms of cancer, which can hit middle age adults. To answer the biggest question everyone asks, no, I was not a smoker or a heavy drinker. Smoking and drinking has been linked to be a possible cause for this type of cancer. I share these experiences with you, as an insight, to help other people learn how I coped with one of life’s deadly challenges.

I have come to learn for myself since being diagnosed with cancer, that there is no greater strength than the love and support of family, friends, and for me, my loving husband, Joshua.

My life was never easy. I don’t believe that anyone can say his or her life is easy. Life doesn’t come with any guarantees. You have to accept the cards you are dealt with and use them to your advantage. Life is what you make it out to be.

I grew up in a small town in Connecticut with my loving parents and younger sister. My parents and I haven’t always seen many teenage topics eye-to-eye. Then again, when have you ever heard of a parent-teenager relationship that was completely flawless? Not! My sister and I were very different people. We grew up as your normal everyday siblings. We would tattle on each other, and beat each other up-- literally. I was always on the losing end of the fight, but when your younger sister happens to be much bigger than you are, you can’t help but lose a fight. As we got older we grew very far apart. We would do almost anything we could to avoid trying to communicate with each other.

Shortly after my eighteenth birthday, my grandfather passed away from lung cancer. His cancer had spread to his brain, and back then there wasn’t much that could be done to save his life. I had never experienced death before. My grandfather’s passing was the first in my family, and it affected me greatly.

Knowing he was dying of cancer, yet not knowing anything about the disease or what effects it had on people, was the hardest to deal with. I did as much research as I could about cancer and its affects on different people. I never found any literature on other people’s experiences with this deadly disease. I felt useless not understanding the pain and emotional anguish my grandfather had gone through.

I learned from this point on what it was like to suffer through a loss. I had experienced the same thing that many people suffer through everyday. I was finally growing up and learning about life and death. What can destroy human life, as we know it; death is a difficult lesson to learn when you are a young teenager.

Life for me went down hill from there. I left home to find myself; my purpose for being alive in a world, that I felt, was cruel. I was in my senior year of high school, and working at the local fast food restaurant. I had no car, so that meant walking everywhere. I had my share of bad experiences, and relationships. I learned the hard way about violence, abuse, and rape. I had tried to commit suicide several times, and couldn’t seem to find that silver lining around that cloud.

Eventually, I found that silver lining. I graduated from high school, got a car, and a real job. My life was finally working out. I became, what I believed to be, a very strong, independent person who did her own thing. I had enough of bad relationships and wanted my life back. I depended on no one. I figured this would keep me from getting hurt. I had what I had, and it was all mine, if anyone pushed my buttons just right, they got the new me.

I was known to have a bad attitude, and flared up temper. I wanted everyone to know I wasn’t taking it anymore. No stepping on me, I could stand on my own two feet: even if they only had me standing four feet ten inches tall.

Little did I realize how much my life was about to change. I had an even bigger fight ahead of me. I had to fight for my will to live. A fight, that would change my whole perspective on how I viewed the world around me. I was about to experience a new outlook on life, and how important it is to live for today. My motto through life has always been to believe in the magic of your dreams. If you have nothing to believe in you won’t have any goals to strive for. For me, this seemed much easier said than done. I found it hard to have goals and dreams, only to watch them never happen.

As I have learned though, the only thing that is true in life, is no matter how much pain and suffering there may be in the world, we all touch the hearts, and have our hearts touched by other people. Our existence touches the souls of every other person we come in contact with. Remember this: Life is like a mirror, so smile and see the whole world smiling right back at you.

The family I had a distant relationship with was about to show me that families are always there. They will always be my family, no matter what I have done to turn them away. The world I once knew as a cruel world would become a more beautiful world for me.

The ironic thing about my life, when I look back on it, is how I spent most of my teenage years trying to get out of my life, and now, I will be spending the rest of my life, fighting to stay alive.

My life experiences made me a strong believer of Angels. I believe there are always angels among us. We aren’t always aware of their presence. It is believed that God sends us Angels during our most difficult times. I got the chance on several occasions, to open my heart and soul to see that my Angels came in many forms. I found for me, that God does love me, and doesn’t wish bad things to happen to any of us. This doesn’t mean bad things won’t happen, but it does allow us the power of prayer. This is a power that can help us get closer to our beliefs, whatever they may be.

The story I am about to reveal to you is my life experience. I give to you this story in full. I give you all the wonderful, sad, difficult, and painful experiences. I hold nothing back.

I do this not for sympathy, not for pity. I do this in hope to touch your heart, and help you reach into your own soul.

I hope this will make you see your world and understand how you can comfort, or at least understand what brings people together.

I ask that you open your hearts and minds, and realize that there is always someone out there that could use your love and support. No matter what the circumstances may be.

Cancer is a difficult disease to have. After all the treatment, pain, and sometimes, physical transformations, there come the very real memories, that will linger in ones mind for many years to come. Being able to be called, a SURVIVOR, is a cherished and monumental accomplishment. So these experiences, I give to you for strength and support in all your needs.