It's Time to Stop
by
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All of the sudden, summer was over, and it was time for Katie and Adam to go back to school. September, l988. Katie was going into fourth grade, and Adam would be in first...all day. That meant Sarah would be able to spend even more time than before with Carolyn. "Are you sure it’s OK if I hang around here so much?" she asked Carolyn as she began to stay longer and longer. "Of course!" Carolyn reassured her. "It’s good for me too. Having someone in the room helps me to stand the pain. We both need that. You just do whatever you want, and I will too. And sometimes we can do ‘whatever’ together!" Sarah laughed slightly, but still not completely reassured said, "It’s easier for me here, too. I just don’t want to wear out my welcome. At home, there are so many things that demand my attention, and I can get lost in the distractions, and avoid the pain." "I know. It’s very hard. That’s why we need each other." added Carolyn. "We’re buddies!" And so, Sarah continued on the road with Carolyn, never realizing that in doing so, she was actually walking away from her family.
One September morning, Carolyn, lying on the couch waiting for Sarah to arrive, was startled by the sound of the back door opening. "Who could that be?" she wondered. "It is too early for it to be Sarah." Quickly she got up to see who it was. With a combination of surprise and relief, she saw that it was Charles. "Hi, Mom," he said lightly. "Hi, honey," Carolyn began with a little hesitation in her voice. "What’s up?" Carolyn knew Charles was in a bad place. He had graduated from college this past June and was struggling to find out what he wanted to do with his life. He had rented a house with two other guys and spent the summer working with his father in the scorching heat, all day, five to six days a week. Still, his father was never satisfied. Moreover, there were problems arising with his roommates. So, knowing that a change was inevitable, he began considering moving back home for a short time. He was genuinely worried about his mother, too. "Mom I’d like talk to you," he began. "Of course, honey," Carolyn said a little puzzled. "Lately I’ve been worrying about you. You seem to have withdrawn from everything. You don’t seem too interested in taking care of yourself or the house. I don’t really know how much help Tommy has been, but I was thinking that maybe I would move back and help you get the house back into shape. It wouldn’t be for long...just until I get to all the things that need to be done around here," he paused for a moment and then added, "and I decide what I want to do." Carolyn felt the piercing of a thousand little knives under her skin. "I’m OK, honey, really." She had just begun to get used to his being out of the house and on his own. It had been a real struggle to let go of her boys and make a new life for herself. And now, Charles seemed to be coming back into her life and she felt, oddly enough, somehow threatened by his return. She had a hard time admitting that she had a tremendous conflict inside her when it came to the subject of her boys. On one hand, she really wanted to depend on them...to have them around. But on the other hand, she enjoyed the freedom from the responsibility of being their mother. Just then, she heard a car door slam. Realizing it was Sarah, she said, "I’ll be right back." She quickly went out the back door to intercept her before she came in. When she reached Sarah, she said, "Hi, Sarah. Listen, could you wait out here for a few minutes? It’s a beautiful day, just make yourself comfortable on the patio." "Sure." Sarah said, puzzled. She resisted the impulse to ask why, and just complied with Carolyn’s request. Carolyn went back into the house. After about 15 minutes, she saw Charles come out of the house. He waved at her and casually said, "Goodbye." "Bye!" she called after him. Just then, Carolyn came out of the house, visibly upset. Again, Sarah resisted the impulse to ask her what was wrong, and as Carolyn sat in the chair next to hers, she extended her hand to rest it upon Carolyn’s for just a moment, in a gesture of comfort. Then she smiled understandingly, and not knowing what to say, waited for Carolyn to speak. Finally, Carolyn broke the silence. "You’re a good buddy!" she said gratefully. Sarah was relieved that her silence had been the right course to take and that Carolyn appreciated it. Then, she again put her hand over Carolyn’s and squeezed it gently. There was another long silence. After a while, Carolyn spoke. "Charles wants to move back home. He’s worried about me and thinks he can help me around the house. He thinks I’m too withdrawn; holed up in the house. That I should try to get out more." "I was just getting used to his being gone. I don’t know how it will be now if he moves back home." "I guess he doesn’t understand that you’re doing what you have to do," Sarah suggested. "That you need to stay quiet and stay with your feelings for a while." "No, he doesn’t. He’s just beginning to go into his pain, and he’s fighting to avoid the need hate and aloneness feelings. He doesn’t realize yet that he must eventually go through the pain, and that the sooner he allows it, the less painful it will be." "What are you going to do?" Sarah asked. "I don’t know. He wants to move back in the next couple of weeks," she answered. Sarah nodded, and suddenly, Carolyn said, "Are you ready for our session?" Sarah, slightly taken aback from the sudden change of subject nodded and said, "Anytime you say." Without further conversation, they went into the house and proceeded to the sunroom. Sarah looked forward now to the intimacy they shared during the sessions. It had changed dramatically since Carolyn had started to lay on the other end of the couch with her. Generally, they both stayed very quiet, except for Carolyn’s occasional prompting to continue to descend into the feelings. Sarah felt loose and relaxed, and in complete control of how intense she let the painful feelings get. As she felt the need feelings begin to ignite within her, she allowed the pain to seize her body, stiffening it. Then, in order to soothe herself, she would allow her feet to once again interlock with Carolyn’s. All while this went on frightening thoughts plagued her. "What is happening to me? Why am I doing this? Please, God! Help me understand. I just need her so much. I need to feel her touch. I need to feel her close to me. What is the matter with me? Am I...Do I...Are these feelings sexual? NO! They can’t be." Wit
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About the Book
Something was missing in Sarah’s life...a "void." For as long as she could remember there it was...the longing...the emptiness...the need. As a child and well into her adolescence she was very lonely. She struggled, as most adolescents do, with her sense of identity and her place in the world. Her fragile emergence into adulthood is shattered by the sudden onslaught of a ravaging, chronic illness (Lupus) that initially causes the amputation of her right leg. This enables her to bury the "void"...bury it under her determination to build herself a "normal" life in spite of the considerable physical disadvantage that she found herself. This determination also enabled her to never really deal with the loss of her limb, her health, or her childhood dreams. The main theme of the story focuses on the relationship between patient (Sarah) and a therapist (Carolyn). During the first five years their relationship was appropriate, professional, and therapeutic with definite boundaries between patient and therapist. For Sarah, Carolyn seemed to have all the answers. She seemed to understand all about Sarah’s troubled soul. Carolyn taught Sarah the difference between her thoughts and her feelings. She taught Sarah how to feel those feelings. But as the months went by, Carolyn’s kind compassionate, gentle caring became like a drug to Sarah. A drug that finally seemed to fill the emptiness of the "void"...quench the burning longing. Carolyn not only had all the answers...she WAS the answer! And somewhere along the road they traveled the transference experienced by Sarah and the counter-transference experienced by Carolyn led them onto a path that deteriorated into a dangerous, destructive, and totally inappropriate relationship. A personal relationship developed between the two with no clear boundaries between them. Somewhere within, Sarah knew her relationship with Carolyn was not right. But, blinded by her obsessive need for Carolyn’s affection and approval, she turned a deaf ear to the little voice that tried to tell her...tried to warn her. "No! Carolyn knows what she’s doing!" Of that she was absolutely sure. Carolyn lead the way...and Sarah followed. They would be together forever. Carolyn promised, and Sarah believed...until "forever" came to an end. This is an immensely useful and interesting case study for any aspiring therapist/counselor to read, reflect, and respond to in their own professional training process. For the consumer, the prospective "patient," it is an invaluable education in how to recognize if and when they are falling into an inappropriate therapeutic relationship, how to take charge of the relationship, and how NOT to become a victim of it. In general, the manuscript leaves no doubt about the correct reasoning behind the medical professional’s "Prime Directive" of no personal involvement in their patients’ lives and the absolute necessity of the strictest adherence to this rule.
About the Author
The author of It’s Time To Stop, from all outward appearances, has led a quiet, normal life; and for the most part, has never lived anywhere else but in the suburbs of her Northern New Jersey county. But appearances can be deceiving. Few people know of the turbulent course her life took during the early years of her adulthood. And, because of this, she had chosen to write under an assumed name. Married with two children, she is part of a generation of "Super Moms" attempting to have it all...raising a family and having a career. Probably because of the advent of a chronic illness at a life-course–determining time in her life, she became very interested in medicine. And because of, or perhaps in spite of her illness and the amputation of her leg, she was determined to do everything and anything she could possibly do to prove to herself and the world that she was "normal." This included skiing, diving, SCUBA diving, hiking, playing tennis, and hiking. She attended a 2-year junior college, receiving an Associate in Applied Sciences degree in Medical Office Assisting. She spent most of her career as a Medical Assistant, working part time at a variety of physicians’ offices, adjusting her work hours according to the needs of her children. Over the years, she took courses at a 4-year college towards earning a Bachelor’s degree in Communications. Once her children were finished with high school she turned her sights towards her first love...writing. At the age of 44, her children grown and in college, she began a new career in medical editing/writing. She is currently employed full time at a medical communications firm in Parsippany, New Jersey. She is also co-developer of an innovative program for amputees called PACCE (Providing Amputees Comprehensive Care in their Environment). Along with her prosthetist, they are attempting to bring back the days when patients were treated as whole persons...and not as the disease or affliction they happen to have. She works with new amputees as a Patient Consultant, in an effort to help them adjust and cope with their new life situation, advise them about their choices in the course of their treatment, and help to arrange for any services they might need to facilitate their return to the life they had before the amputation. She began writing the first drafts of It’s Time To Stop about a year after that fateful day in June of 1989. It was, for her, a cathartic work. "I had to write it all down before I could really begin to let go of it." It’s now 13 years since the events of It’s Time To Stop took place, and the author’s life is still feeling the effects of the traumatic relationship and its abrupt end. But, life goes on, for her and for all of us. "Facing life’s challenges is what makes life interesting. Everyone has their own story. It’s Time To Stop is mine."