THE KISS
She didn’t believe in taking life, so when the wolf stuck its head through the torn screen door -- the only door in that flimsy summer cottage -- and I reached for my rifle, she went into the other room and opened the Bhagavad Gita. That’s the way she was. She tried to be consistent; however, I could remember her spraying ants once because of something that happened in the bathroom.
If it hadn’t been for me, she’d have been a vegetarian, but not a very healthy one. The doctor advised her to eat a certain amount of meat in order to keep her latent anemia under control. Those neat, frozen, plastic-wrapped cubes we bought at the market didn’t much remind her of living creatures.
I stopped hunting because of her.
But she didn’t go in for health foods, she liked a martini before dinner, and she never complained about my tobacco addition, although I typically gave off clouds of smoke from my pipe after dinner. (I chose a particularly aromatic blend of tobacco partially with the thought of pleasing her.)
The wolf appeared several times that night. It paused in the ragged aperture long enough for me to put down my pipe, pick up my rifle and fire. Ordinarily it would hardly have been possible for me to miss, but the conditions weren’t ordinary. I’ve been afraid before and it hasn’t caused my marksmanship to be so bad. Of course, we had seen a couple of pro-wolf documentaries.
I didn’t know wolves came so large. The head -- which was about all I saw -- looked as big and broad as the head of a grizzly; but I suppose it was magnified by my alarm. It simply appeared there and studied me with wide, slanting, yellow eyes. It wasn’t snarling. I couldn’t read its intentions from the expression on its face, but the fact that it was there at all made me react defensively.
The materials and tools I would need for repairing the door were in the shed some twenty feet from the cottage. It was dark. The flashlight was feeble. I thought it best not to risk going out until morning.
In between its visitations, she and I discussed the matter briefly while I smoked and we sipped white wine to steady our nerves. She thought there was a good chance of establishing rapport with the animal, if only I wouldn’t shoot at it.
Something in the way it gazed at me reminded her of a cat she had once had. There had been a strong bond between them. Naturally she thought about him a good deal, and she believed that she occupied his mind even more than he did hers. Observing him as frequently as she did, she became aware of a behavior pattern which gave her an insight into his view of reality: Having established, through habit, the fact of her being in a certain place at a certain time, he would gaze at that spot whether or not she was really there, and he would purr contentedly. If she actually appeared elsewhere, his hair would stand on end and he would flee as if from a ghost. He would remain disoriented until she was in her regular place at the usual time.
It seemed to her that the wolf wanted to be my friend, if only I would make some sort of encouraging gesture. It didn’t look dangerous to her, she said -- it looked tolerant, and tolerance could be the beginning of affection, perhaps of a strong, lasting relationship.
I had to admit that its jaws weren’t open, but I thought they would open once it got inside the cottage. To say it looked tolerant was to personify it, to project human attributes to a wild beast -- whose friendship, incidentally, I did not covet. Tameness was another matter, but who would have tamed it? A hermit, possibly? If it belonged to a hermit, what was it doing here where the woods were quite thin, although there were no other cottages that we knew of for several miles? Perhaps the hermit needed help, or perhaps he had died and now the wolf was sad and wanted human company. Also, if its master was dead, the wolf must be hungry because there was no one to feed it.
This brought up the subject of meat once more. I mentioned that we had eaten the little can of deviled ham earlier in the day. She and I were the only meat in the house, so to speak. Her reply was that the Desert Fathers used to persuade wolves and lions to live on things like bread and grass and the sort of gruel that ascetic monks lived on. St. Francis of Assisi was said to have turned a savage wolf into a friendly animal who used to go from village to village, begging.
I must have dozed off. When I woke up, she had retired into the other room. The wolf was staring at me again, in a way that was too intense and too personal for my liking. I reached for the rifle. My hand closed on air. Snatching an Indian blanket, I opened it out and shook it menacingly, at the same time advancing. To my relief, the creature backed away. I hung the blanket over the door, stepped into the other room and looked for the rifle. There was also a shotgun, which I kept loaded in the closet. Both guns were missing.
She had taken her sleeping pills. I didn’t want to wake her. There would be a useless and distressing scene. I knew what she had done. While I was dozing, she had carried off both guns and had hidden them in the shed -- a risky business, going out in the pitch dark, but she had the courage of innocence.
There was nothing for it but to go to the shed, to retrieve one of the guns, preferably the rifle, as I did not think I would be able to prevail with my bare hands.
Many things were missing in the cottage, and the thing I missed most at the time, after the gun, was a knife with a point on it. The knives all had round or semi-round ends. I chose a two-pronged fork with tines about two and a half inches long, which some one had probably used for picking up steaks from a barbecue. It wasn’t made to go into a wolf’s eye -- the tines were too far apart for that -- but I thought that under stress I might be able to thrust it into the beast’s abdomen.
The fangs would almost certainly be too much for me, but for years I had had a piece of theoretical knowledge which had once caught my fancy, although I had never tested it. This could be the unique occasion which would justify my having retained it. I had once read of a man who, when attacked by a tiger in an Indian jungle, thrust his arm down the animal’s throat and held it there until the ferocious predator choked to death. It had been unable to close its jaws or even to use its claws effectively. Timing, resolution, strength, the ability to follow through would be essential to the success of this solution.
The flashlight ws too dim to be of any use. Abandoning, it, I started to grope my way to the shed, the fork in my right hand, my left hand ready to strike. I must have been almost there, when it leaped on me from behind, bearing me to the ground. The fork flew out of my hand. Grappling blindly, I managed to roll over on my back, but I couldn’t get my arms up high enough to protect my throat. Its legs were in the way. Tucking my chin into my chest, I caught the beast around the middle, clasped my hands, and sought desperately to break its back with a sudden, violent bear hug. It failed. I tried again, with no luck. The embrace told me that it was a female.
I couldn’t break her back or even her ribs, but I was afraid to let go. I suppose I thought that if I squeezed her hard enough, it would shut off her wind. I could feel the hot, fetid